k.unwrapped

Don’t say ‘I love you’ first. I had a friend once who told a guy that she loved him and his response was ‘thanks.’ You don’t want to be on the receiving end of that so let the man say it first.

I started writing this entry a few months back, then abandoned it for some reason. That said, I have NO idea where the above quote came from.

Anyway, that kind of advice does nothing to help women. Hearing "thanks" in response to "I love you" is hardly the end of the world. As adults, we need to understand that sometimes we have feelings for people that aren’t mutual and vice versa (I would’ve been a bit salty though, lol). Furthermore, that kind of advice is telling women that we shouldn’t take risks and should avoid rejection at all costs. But we have common sense and we should use it. We also must trust our judgement in dating situations.

If you tell someone that you love them, it should be because you actually feel that way, not because you expect them to feel the same way or to hear it in return. You definitely shouldn’t settle for a one-sided relationship, but if it’s somewhat early into your relationship, give the person time to reach your emotional level. That’s where common sense comes in. Love is an action word so you will know if the man is falling for you (or if he isn’t interested) based on how he treats you.

I wouldn’t suggest being an aggressive woman but a friend told me he digs that so to each his own. Holding back for fear of rejection isn’t helpful either.

Myth 1: Men don’t know how to behave in a relationship. It is up to a woman to be patient and "teach" him how to treat her.

On an episode of "Roseanne," Roseanne tries to convince Jackie to marry a man who demands that she quit her job as a cop as a condition of marriage. But Jackie wants a husband like Dan, who is considerate and understanding. Roseanne tells Jackie that it took years of hard work…Dan didn’t come out of the package pre-assembled.

It only works that way in TV Land folks. I know that we’ve all heard that you subconsciously teach someone how to treat you by what you accept (and don’t) from your mate. And I agree %150. However, there isn’t a man walking this earth who doesn’t know that if he’s in a committed relationship,

- He should stop ‘messing around’ with his ex
- He should call if he’s going to cancel a date
- Spending time with him and his friends does not = quality time for the two of you
- Collecting phone numbers & going on dates with other women is off-limits

Some women might say, "but this is his first serious relationship and he’s learning." If that’s true then OJ didn’t do it and his new book truly is ‘fiction.’ [end sarcasm]

He may try to play dumb, but trust and believe, he’s just trying to see what you’ll allow him to get away with.

Myth 2: Things may be a little rocky in the beginning, but things will change.

Not gonna happen. If you’re in the early stages of dating and he’s always "busy," gives you excuses as to why he can’t return your calls, two years from now things will be the same. If you’re unfortunate enough to make it past dating, and into relationship territory, you will always feel like an afterthought with him. At that point do not complain or try to change him. Either accept it or find someone else who’s less "busy."

Myth 3: A man can completely fool you/you’re a victim.

How often are women completely blindsided by men? In the times that things didn’t work out due to some shadiness on his part, can we honestly say that we didn’t see the signs but chose to ignore them? Or that we gave the benefit of doubt?

That doesn’t mean that a man is excused for being an asshole, nor should we stop giving the benefit of doubt. However, common sense and discretion should be our guide. 

Myth 4: A man should accept you for who you are.

Not necessarily. Are you the best you that you can be? Are you difficult? How are your character, mind, appearance, and treatment of people in your life? You should be accepted for who you are, but not if you’re crazy…unless you’re Jackie Christie — crazy seems to work for her.

"I don’t know what he sees in HER. She’s fat, she can’t dress, yet and still, he seems to be in love with her."

"She could do SO MUCH better than him…he ain’t all THAT."

Do you have to look/act/be a certain way in order to deserve unconditional love from a partner who treats you well?

I was reading C2A’s blog the last week, as she had been posting about marriage and budgeting. It got me to thinking about the marriages I’ve witnessed b/t my mom and her ex-husband (my siblings’ father, Carl) and current husband (soon to be ex – Mr. Dad – for my one or two old readers lol).

I can vaguely remember when my mom met Carl. I was going on four years old and my mother and I were living in the projects with my uncle, his wife, and their four kids. He had his own apartment and let my mom and I move in with him to get us out of that overcrowded, roach infested, 3 bedroom project apartment we were living in. He had a daughter who was around 12 or so. He was a drug dealer; they don’t keep regular hours so my mom could leave me with him while she went to work. As I remember it, he took his daughter and I to the Gallery every day to go shopping. It was probably more like 2-3x a week but I was four at the time so bear with me. We walked all up and through that mall (he was a bargain shopper — go figure) and that’s torture for a child. It wouldn’t have been so bad if he’d bought me so much as a Happy Meal, but the majority of the time, we were shopping for leather jackets, and Run DMC style gold chains for him and his daughter. I remember telling him: "Mister Carl, I don’t like you because you never buy me anything" and he and my mom laughed it off during a romantic evening of chopping and bagging up cocaine, because, well I was four.

They eventually gave up "the life," we began attending church every Sunday, and he and mom got married by the time I was seven. All that shopping for crap ceased, and the line was clearly drawn: I was my mother’s child. He had no obligation to me, and whatever my mother couldn’t do for me just didn’t get done. I saw my biological father occassionally until I was about 8 but haven’t seen him since although we live in the same city. Anyway, by the time I was 10 my sister was born and I started to notice things. Carl had a rule that if he’d given my mother (or me) any amount of money greater than $2, she had to pay it back. They’d bought a house and argued over the mortgage because her name wasn’t on it (he told her that he couldn’t get her name on the deed due to her poor credit; her ignorance allowed her to believe that), yet he fully expected her to pay half, as well as half of any other household bills. There were times when I needed things and although it was known that he was a saver and always had a plentiful account, he’d let me do without because I wasn’t his kid. He’d let my mother do without as well…he only GAVE us stuff on holidays & during income tax time. They kept completely separate accounts and nobody ever knew how much the other really had.

They separated several times throughout the years. Each time that happened, it was me and my mom, (and my siblings when they came along) who had to move out of the house. It was HIS house after all. So, when they ineviteably reconciled, my mom stopped contributing to the mortgage…why pay when your landlord husband can kick you out whenever he feels like it? By the time I was 13, my brother came along and I REALLY started to notice things. I began to feel like THEY were a family, and I was just a girl who lived there. His kids never went without a damned thing. I never had a bond with Carl and to this very day, my mom says I was on to something when I told him I didn’t like him at age four.

By the time I was 16 they were headed for divorce, as they’d both started new relationships during the marriage and were ready to move on. When they separated the last time, he only kicked my mother out and let me and his kids stay. Such kindness. My mom and her new man, Mr. Dad, had found a new home within 6 months, so the kids and I moved out of Carl’s. My mom asked me how I felt about Mr. Dad moving in with us LESS THAN A YEAR AFTER HER DIVORCE and I told her that I was totally against it. I didn’t know this man from a can of paint, why should I trust him, and why should I have to deal with ANOTHER man of hers so soon after getting rid of the last one? For a while she let me have my way and Mr. Dad stayed with his WIFE. She said she would respect my wishes but Mr. Dad had moved in within 6 months of that conversation regardless. He said that he and his wife had been separated for years, and that he lived in the basement all that time, and he was ready to move forward with my mom.

Immediately after he came on the scene, he seemed to take an interest in my life, school, and my future. That threw me off a bit because I wasn’t used to that kind of attention, not even from my mother. I was fully expecting him to be a jerk, really. Well it turned out that he was the total opposite of Carl, he was selfless, a very southern (Mississippi), old school (several years older than my mom) provider-type. He automatically took on a father role with me because my siblings had a relationship with their dady and I had none; we became very close. They got their respective divorces then got married when I was round 20. Marriage #3 for the both of them.

Money, money, money. My mom’s marriage to Carl taught her that she had to be self-sufficient, and the sharing of money was not something she’d ever even considered. Mr. Dad made 2, maybe even 3x what she made, and they certainly had the means to live comfortably if they’d cooperated more, and she’d spent less time with the "mine" attitude that was ingrained in her. She’d always had ‘just in case’ in the back of her mind because of all the times that Carl kicked us out and we had to find a place to live immediately. Mr. Dad found out about secret accounts that she’d had and that caused strife. I’d say that the majority of their arguments stemmed from money issues, particularly the lack of full disclosure and cooperation. Not to mention the way that they’d gotten together and the trust issues on BOTH ends, but that’s another post.

Although they’re currently going through the divorce process, they get along well. He says he "gets" my mom, and understands how her upbringing has shaped her. He also "gets" that he just can’t be married to her and vice versa lol. But it has me wondering how my upbringing has shaped me. I know which things I don’t want, and what I’d like to do differently, especially when it comes to money. I don’t even have to talk about fidelity b/c that’s a given. The slightest hint of selfishness in a man (i.e. not wanting to pick me up for and/or take me on a date) and lack of dependability turns me all the way off. I do realize that I have to be discerning of a man’s character and true intentions before I allow myself to get wrapped up in him in any way. The goal is to find someone trustworthy and then…trust him. However, it’s difficult because I tend to not put ANYTHING past people. I’ve witnessed firsthand how folks just do whatever they feel like doing, family, marriage, God, be damned. Despite it all, things that seemed to be the norm when I was coming up are flat out unacceptable to me as an adult.

When I meet a guy, one of the first things I want to know is what his upbringing was like. I’ve found that I have a set of assumptions from jump: a lot of guys who grew up without a father figure, even if non-biological, don’t respect women, and don’t know how to be men. They subconsciously blame their mother for a) not choosing a good mate to begin with — one who’d stick around and be there for his kid(s), and b) not doing enough to "keep" his father so that he would have never left, and they end up treating women just as badly as their father does/did. Maybe a lot of women subconsciously blame mom too.

I’d like to think that I turned out pretty normal, whatever that is. But I can’t help but wonder that when I meet a guy, things start to get serious, and he finds out about my background, what would his assumptions be of me, and how would that impact our interactions?

Friday, September 10, 2004

There’s a fine line between protecting yourself from bullshit and being a bag lady type of chick that thinks every man she meets is out to fuck her over. I met someone a few weeks ago, we talked via the phone and aim, then he came to visit (he lives in another city) one Saturday. We had a good time together that day but as soon as he left things were different. Or maybe they weren’t different. Before he even came to visit I noticed that every time he called me he was in route - either on his way home from work or on his way to the store. He never called me from his home and every time he reached his home he’d get off the phone with me. I had two cell phone numbers that he gave me and neither phone was likely to be turned on when I called. He also sent emails when it would make more sense to call. Nevertheless I still went out with him.

** This is a repost from my old Blogspot

So my ex-coworkers decide that we should meet up for one last happy hour shindig before I say goodbye. I invite another former cowoker who quit back in December because she’s so…fun. So, after I get tired of kickin’ it with the white people, the former coworker and I decide to head to a party that her friend Reg was having at his newly purchased home. We get to Reg’s house and I keep thinking how familiar his ass looks. I KNOW him from somewhere but can’t figure it out. Well, after the 3rd round of getting my ass kicked in Spades it dawns on me…this Reg is the same Reg that an old college friend used to date. Now he’s pursing my former coworker!

So once I make the connection I bring it to his attention and he tells me that he remembers me, and that he still talks to the old college friend, but that she stayed in Pittsburgh and is involved with some (loser) guy, and decided to buy a house there. Ew, Pittsburgh is the wackness. Anyway, what I remembered most about Reg is that he used to drive 6 hours from Philly to Pittsburgh rather frequently to see the old college friend…and she was NOT having sex with him. I asked him what made such a nice guy like him go out of his way for an immature chick who wasn’t even giving him any, nor was she willing to commit to the type of relationship he was looking for. He didn’t really have an answer. I remember trying to convince that girl to seriously consider Reg as a long-term mate. She would brag about all the things he would do for her despite him not getting any cho-cha from her. But really, he always struck me as a genuinely good guy that any woman with some damn sense would want to build with. I don’t ever meet guys like that but I’ll be damned if immature "let me see what I can get this dumb nigga to do for me" type chicks don’t pull those types all the time. So Reg and I talked about that for a bit and I told my friend/ex coworker whom he’s currently interested in to forget her dumb ass, non-commital baby-daddy and grab ahold of this guy — he’s really a good one. I hope my advice is heeded this time!

The well-written ad

It’s a well-known company and the position description sounds outstanding. You apply and eventually get a call and you’re excited to go in for the first interview. You get there and find that the position description was severly embellished. The salary is extremely under market, your would-be work area is situated in the basement, and the turn-over rate is astronomical. As you’re being shown around, you’re not quite sure, but you think that you may have seen a rat in your peripheral view. Overall, your level of excitement drops from 10 to -53.

Rinse and repeat x 10

While Your Qualifications Are Certainly Impressive…

A friend refers you to a position and the qualifications seem to suit you perfectly. Finally!

After being on the market so long, and rarely finding anything that suits you, it’s refreshing and exciting to receive that call. Once you arrive for the first interview you’re even MORE impressed and want the job that much more. You mutually agree to take the job on a probationary basis so that you both may explore other options, and perhaps a more permanent fit within this company.

After some time, you’ve clearly proven that you’re more than qualified and you’re ready to explore a more permanent option with this company because the other options just don’t compare. After all, not only is this a great company but the benefits include the opportunity to become partner within a short timeframe. And the salary will actually put you in a higher tax bracket! The company is supportive of it’s employees. In turn, the turn-over rate is extremely low because employees can appreciate a good thing. And advancement opportunities are beyond anything you’d ever imagined!

Unfortunately, the employer decides not to give you a more permanent contract. They decide to go with another candidate who may or may not be more qualified than you, but whatever the case, the hiring manager feels that they are a better fit.

Blogsome is trippin’ today…I’ve been trying to post this for HOURS. Sheesh.

I was watching Talk Sex w/ Sue Jo last night [Why is it that black girls named ‘Keisha’ always call the show with dumb ass questions? "When a man cheats, does his scrotum hang lower?" LOL] and chatting on AIM when I got a message from my friend Ree. This is the same friend who was fighting her bf while I was in the car a few months ago (for the readers of my last blog). The same one who got pregnant after that incident and is now carrying twins. She asked if I was still awake and I knew a favor request was coming. She asked if I could pick her up and take her to her mom’s house. She said that she and the bf weren’t physically fighting but she’s just sick of him. I was thinking that she was just leaving for the night but she busts out the house with all these bags. I’m not one to pry so it took a lot to bite my tongue.

She said that a lot of things go on between them that she doesn’t talk about and that he makes her miserable. Miserable is a very strong word! There are so many things that I wanted to say but I didn’t. Firstly, after that fight in the car they should’ve went their separate ways. Secondly, having a baby has to be a mutual decision. Yes she told him that she stopped taking her pills and he went raw dog anyway. But he said that he’s not ready to have children. She totally disregarded that (sure he’s not innocent b/c he was aware of her wanting to get preggers…but a woman knows that the responsibility falls on her whether he bails or not) all while complaining that he doesn’t fulfill his role of ‘man of the house.’ Maybe she thought that the prospect of being a father would make him step up. Regardless, she’s known him for many years so she knows who she was dealing with. Knowing that, she can only blame herself for the situation that she’s in. I think she now knows this though, and I won’t have to say a word.

I spoke to another friend (Lynn) about the situation. She told me that Ree most likely decided to have a baby b/c she wants something to love that will always love her back. Lynn said that that was the very reason that she had her daughter when she did – love from men is fleeting but her child will always be there. She’s found herself and now knows that she made a mistake…she loves her baby but she should’ve searched inside (or up above) for fulfillment.

I wonder if I can see my own mistakes and woulda/coulda/shouldas as easily as someone else’s.  I got a call from someone in my past…someone that if soul mates exist, he was it. Unfortunately, he chose to pursue a relationship with someone who isn’t me. He called me recently after a long hiatus and told me that he felt that we had a strong connection on many levels, and knowing this, it has delayed his proposal to his live-in girlfriend. I didn’t say anything. I just listened because in my mind, if he wanted to be with me, he would have a long time ago. I’ve said this to him in the past. I know that if I would’ve said it again it would’ve led to an argument…arguments that can’t lead to a resolution aren’t my style.

When I relayed the situation to some folks, one (male) friend said, “He’s an asshole.” Another said, “He ain’t shit.” LOL, definitely a woman’s response. It’s hard for me to see him as an asshole in the same way I would if he were someone that I never had feelings for…but really, that’s exactly what he is. For all I know they could already be married and he just wants me to be wrapped up in him again for his own selfish reasons. Over the past two years we’ve talked from time to time but our conversations usually consisted solely of work, family, friends, goals, etc. I mean, we’ve known each other since high school.

Over the past few years I didn’t ask about his relationship and he didn’t speak about it. At first I used to ask why he chose some goal-less 2 baby daddy having chick over me…I never got an answer but eventually got over it. It’s so easy for me to tell someone else to cut all communication but I’ll be damned if that isn’t hard as hell for me to do.

Yesterday I was reading this article about people with poor coping skills. These are people who feel that they have no control over a situation when in reality they own it. When an obstacle gets in their way, instead of readjusting to deal with and eventually conquer it, they give up and accept the hand that they are dealt. Sometimes I see those qualities in myself and I don’t like it one bit. Honestly, my life isn’t that hard, unless I choose to make it so.

Don’t say ‘I love you’ first. I had a friend once who told a guy that she loved him and his response was ‘thanks.’ You don’t want to be on the receiving end of that so let the man say it first.

I started writing this entry a few months back, then abandoned it for some reason. That said, I have NO idea where the above quote came from.

Anyway, that kind of advice does nothing to help women. Hearing "thanks" in response to "I love you" is hardly the end of the world. As adults, we need to understand that sometimes we have feelings for people that aren’t mutual and vice versa (I would’ve been a bit salty though, lol). Furthermore, that kind of advice is telling women that we shouldn’t take risks and should avoid rejection at all costs. But we have common sense and we should use it. We also must trust our judgement in dating situations.

If you tell someone that you love them, it should be because you actually feel that way, not because you expect them to feel the same way or to hear it in return. You definitely shouldn’t settle for a one-sided relationship, but if it’s somewhat early into your relationship, give the person time to reach your emotional level. That’s where common sense comes in. Love is an action word so you will know if the man is falling for you (or if he isn’t interested) based on how he treats you.

I wouldn’t suggest being an aggressive woman but a friend told me he digs that so to each his own. Holding back for fear of rejection isn’t helpful either.

Myth 1: Men don’t know how to behave in a relationship. It is up to a woman to be patient and "teach" him how to treat her.

On an episode of "Roseanne," Roseanne tries to convince Jackie to marry a man who demands that she quit her job as a cop as a condition of marriage. But Jackie wants a husband like Dan, who is considerate and understanding. Roseanne tells Jackie that it took years of hard work…Dan didn’t come out of the package pre-assembled.

It only works that way in TV Land folks. I know that we’ve all heard that you subconsciously teach someone how to treat you by what you accept (and don’t) from your mate. And I agree %150. However, there isn’t a man walking this earth who doesn’t know that if he’s in a committed relationship,

- He should stop ‘messing around’ with his ex
- He should call if he’s going to cancel a date
- Spending time with him and his friends does not = quality time for the two of you
- Collecting phone numbers & going on dates with other women is off-limits

Some women might say, "but this is his first serious relationship and he’s learning." If that’s true then OJ didn’t do it and his new book truly is ‘fiction.’ [end sarcasm]

He may try to play dumb, but trust and believe, he’s just trying to see what you’ll allow him to get away with.

Myth 2: Things may be a little rocky in the beginning, but things will change.

Not gonna happen. If you’re in the early stages of dating and he’s always "busy," gives you excuses as to why he can’t return your calls, two years from now things will be the same. If you’re unfortunate enough to make it past dating, and into relationship territory, you will always feel like an afterthought with him. At that point do not complain or try to change him. Either accept it or find someone else who’s less "busy."

Myth 3: A man can completely fool you/you’re a victim.

How often are women completely blindsided by men? In the times that things didn’t work out due to some shadiness on his part, can we honestly say that we didn’t see the signs but chose to ignore them? Or that we gave the benefit of doubt?

That doesn’t mean that a man is excused for being an asshole, nor should we stop giving the benefit of doubt. However, common sense and discretion should be our guide. 

Myth 4: A man should accept you for who you are.

Not necessarily. Are you the best you that you can be? Are you difficult? How are your character, mind, appearance, and treatment of people in your life? You should be accepted for who you are, but not if you’re crazy…unless you’re Jackie Christie — crazy seems to work for her.

Inspired by one of the Hostess’ recent posts

I was talking with this guy PR that I’ve been seeing recently. Keep in mind that we’re in the early stage of things. Last night he brought over Love Jones and the part where Nina tells Darius that she’s going to ‘kick it’ with her ex in NYC came up. He said that she shouldn’t have gone if she really cared about Darius. I don’t necessarily agree. She and Darius weren’t in an established relationship; therefore Nina can’t really be faulted for what she did because she wasn’t dishonest about it. Plus, just because two people have been boning for two weeks doesn’t mean that all feelings for ex-fiancés and such just disappear. I wish that the last guy I dated had the balls to tell me that he was thinking of rekindling things with his ex versus blindsiding me after the shit already hit the fan.

Things are tricky when there’s no established commitment. I personally don’t feel obligated to be ‘faithful’ to someone that I’m not in a relationship with. My ultimate goal is to find Mr. Right, not waste my time with Mr. Right Now b/c he ‘enjoys my company.’ PR asked me, hypothetically, what would happen several months from now if things are going well, we’re only seeing each other, but he isn’t ready to commit? I told him that I would say goodbye and let him find a woman who is cool with being his fuck-buddy. He asked if it made a difference if he only intended to date me? My answer didn’t change. I am 24 years old man. I don’t have time for those silly college games anymore. I fell for the ‘I’m not ready’ bullshit a couple of times but no more. If you’re not ‘ready’ then you shouldn’t date me. There is nothing to discuss. You can be assured that the moment I feel that you’re not someone I could be in a relationship with I will let you know. You won’t hear any phony commitment-phobe lines from me.

PR suggested that even though no commitment is in place, the man and woman shouldn’t see anybody else. If after several months of dating you still don’t want to commit then it’s because that person isn’t for you. If we’re dating, and I’m not the one for you, why shouldn’t I continue to meet/date other guys to find someone that I AM for and vice versa?

They say that people only do what you’ll allow but for a person to even ATTEMPT to get away with certain shit says a lot about their character.

PR goes on to say that he was just speaking hypothetically and that that situation wouldn’t really happen. I think he’s full of shit and was just testing the waters to see what he can get away with. What kind of man WANTS to get away with not having to commit? Probably the kind of man that I wouldn’t consider dating seriously.