k.unwrapped

Once you get over bitterness you’ll never be bitter again. Once you gain control of that weight/insecurity/money/relationship/family/whatever issue, it is forever behind you and you’re ‘cured.’ You’ve worked through that mess and now there’s nowhere to go but forward.

It has taken me 24.98 years to fully realize that I think this way, and how faulty that line of reasoning can be. 

Sometimes there is somewhere to go other than forward. Sometimes you make a pit stop, a U-turn, or end up in one of those annoying circles that seem to only exist in New Jersey…

As I was paying for my coffee at Dun.kin’ Dough.nuts this morning, the cashier, Hamri, stares at my credit card (left my debit card in an ATM and waiting on a new one) then says my name. Then he says "I see you tomorrow, K?" to which I replied, "you mean Monday? And that’s if I’m in the mood for coffee haha" He then says, *sly grin* "well, I can see you tomorrow still, no?" So I say, "only if you plan on dreaming about me, Hamri." So random and totally unexpected! LOL.

Two weeks from now I’m getting braces put on. Yesterday the orthodontist put some kind of spacers between my molars to make room for metal thingy that’s gonna go around my teeth and will serve as a sort of anchor for shifting all of my teeth. These shits are SO uncomfortable and I didn’t eat much yesterday b/c of it. It feels a lot better today but I’m thinking what the heck did I get myself into? Short term discomfort is worth the long term benefit. Gotta keep reminding myself.

I don’t really know what to say about my diet. I’m not eating 5-6x a day like I was, but I’m still overall making good choices. I say overall because this morning I had an egg/cheese crouisant which is far from healthy. I didn’t go grocery shopping so I’m out of fruit, applesauce, etc., and I can’t eat my energy bars b/c they’re too chewy and might make my spacers pop out. I’ll probably just have Minestrone soup for lunch and I plan on making some tofu, brown rice, veggies, with Hoisin sauce for dinner so I don’t feel too guilty about that crouisant. AND I’ve already been to the gym 3x this week and tomorrow will be the 4th. Instead of running for 25 mins I’m doing intervals. For the first 3 minutes I’ll walk at 4.0 mph w/ a 5% incline. The next 3 mins I’ll jog at 5.5 mph (no incline on the jog), followed by 3 mins at 6.0, then 3 mins at 6.5. 6.5 is a sprint for me and is very difficult at this point so I don’t push it any further than that. From that point I drop it back to 5.5 and work my way up again. Around the 20 min mark I’m exhausted and have to walk at 4.0 (with 5 % incline) again, then work my way back up. The 30 min mark = cool down then I’m done with cardio for the day. I slacked on the strength training last week so this week I’m slightly struggling with that again. It’s very hard to stick to that portion of my workout like I should! I’m trying though *sigh.*

Sometimes when I come to a conclusion about something/someone, I’ll stop, think about it, and observe a little bit more. What usually happens is that my initial thought was correct to begin with. I mentioned before that Don* is ‘good on paper,’ as Hostess would say. I really don’t meet tons of ‘good on paper’ guys so I didn’t want to just blow him off over a small thing…so I just observed a bit more. When we first went out I met him at the spot, which is fine because everybody doesn’t need to know where I live right away. By the 3rd outing or so, I expected him to offer to pick me up for our date. He was visiting his mom beforehand, who lives like 5-10 mins from me, plus we were headed to a couple of different places and driving around in two cars didn’t make sense to me. He didn’t offer so I met him at the art show…after that we planned to hit the movies. I asked if I could just leave my car at the art show venue and he could just drop me off at my car after the movie. He said, "I think we should take two cars." That didn’t sit well with me. I’ve never went to the movies in separate cars…who does that? So we went to the movies and when I got home I thought that I should cut him off because either he isn’t interested in me like that and/or the way he deals with women just doesn’t work for me and I should just move on either way. I have no desire for a buddy and I already have enough friends. I’m certain that I want to be in a relationship so there’s no point in giving too much of my attention to someone who isn’t on the same page.

So I asked him if he was just looking for a buddy, or a friend to hang out with and he said no. I told him that his actions say otherwise and laid out EVERYTHING that I just wrote about above. He said that he understood where I was coming from and that he is interested in me and blah blah blah. Fast forward a week or so and I have to meet him at some other spot and I end up paying for the date because he ‘forgot his wallet.’ He magically found his wallet not 5 minutes after getting into his car. The same wallet he didn’t seem THAT concerned about when he said he didn’t have it, which I called him on but he swore that he’s not that kind of guy. As if he’d say "yeah, K I lied about not having my wallet b/c I’m broke and/or just didn’t want to pay." I was gonna just up and disappear but after talking to him for 3 months or so, I figure that I’ll be nice and tell him why I’m disappearing before I pull a Whodini. 

The VA trip turned out to be more fun than I thought. Training was 8:30a-5p so I had the evenings to play with.  I took the Metro from DC and didn’t even get lost. I went to my first *ahem* male review out in MD with my friend who lives in Alexandria (whose coworker was celebrating her 25th b-day) which was a hot ghetto mess LOL. First of all the place was so packed that they had to close off the parking lot. Half them dudes either looked gay or thought that it would be a good idea to imitate that group Pretty Ricky which basically = gay. Something about a man in a g-string is too feminine…I guess because women wear them too. Plus sized ladies showed those dudes so much love and gave up so much $$$…I don’t get it. Of course there’s always that one old ass man, who may look good for his age, but is obviously too damn old to be shaking his money-maker. Then you had the lazy dudes who thought that just by standing in front of me for 5 minutes it would earn him a tip…whatever dude. You better move something man! 

There were two guys that I was impressed with…they were ‘entertainers’ forreal…like they REALLY enjoyed flipping and hanging from the ceiling by the ankle as much as the women enjoyed watching it. But it was a long ass night just to see two worthwhile performers, sheesh.

Last week threw a monkey wrench in my routine. I stayed in a hotel for training that had a gym but did I mosy on down there even once? Nope! F&cked my diet all up and everything. I got back into my routine this week but after 7 days of not hitting the gym it was kind of hard when I finally got back in there. And I refuse to stand on the scale for another week or two lol.

I did meet up with the 40 y/o for dinner but I seriously doubt that I’ll ever speak to him again. I hate when guys try to get all ‘familiar’ way too soon, it’s a BIG turnoff, especially when I say "chill out" and you want to act like you ain’t hear me or you think you’re just that charming. Whatever. I kinda like Don* but I don’t think he’s that into me so I’ve been keeping our interactions to a minimum. We go out sometimes but no more of that boo-loving on the phone for hours sh!t. I went on a couple of other random dates but they sucked but what else is new?

My mom has been away on business all week so I’ve been going over to her apartment to check on the cats everyday. I didn’t make it over there til late tonight and realized that they needed more food so I walked across the street to the corner store to get whatever they might have. I see a teenaged boy standing in front of the store like he’s waiting for something…but since it’s 20 degrees outside he looks rather suspect. He says: "excuse me miss, could you buy me a loosie?" I laugh and say hell no. I’m not gonna be some kid’s smoking accomplice! He then says: "well I’m 18 — I just forgot my ID." I just shake my head and keep it moving. I’m not sure how I feel about being called "Miss," either.

I’ve just been enjoying my time off this week, as unexciting as it’s been. My last day at the old gig was Tuesday so I’ve just been chillin. I made it to the gym before the after-work crowd, I finally made it to the bank with that bin full of loose change I’ve had for a while (I was hoping for $20 bucks but it ended up being $70…I felt like I hit the jackpot — it went straight to savings of course ), took my ‘interview suit’ to the cleaners, and tomorrow I’m getting a deep-tissue massage (courtesy of a giftcard from my former coworkers ).

My 17 yr old cousin complains that her parents don’t give her an allowance. My response? Get a job. I don’t recall ever getting an allowance. My mom stopped buying me stuff by the time I was 15 so I got off my ass and found a job vacuuming at an office building 10 hrs a week. My next job was at Wendy’s, which I suffered through for a whole year so I could pay for school clothes, class dues, college application fees, prom (Mom & Mr. Dad did chip in though), etc. One night, while I was working the drive-thru, one of the managers printed a receipt of how much money I’d made on the cash register during the first hour of my shift. I’ll never forget it — $567 dollars. I suppose the manager expected me to beam with pride, but all I could think was, yall mofos just made $567 dollars and only paid me $5.15??? From that point, if I had any doubts before, I KNEW I was going to college then.

Of course I won’t make my kid work to pay for things they need (but they WILL work), but I don’t understand how some of these kids are old enough to comprehend that their parents are poor and/or undependable, yet they still have these high expectations. I expect that from a 10 yr old, but not a 17 yr old.

According to Young Jeezy.

Sometimes I truly feel like an outsider looking in when it comes to pop-culture. When will some shit just go out of style? Why the f&$! do people even like Young Jeezy? How many ways can you rap about being a hustler/thug/killa before people start to say "gtfoh, you’re from Wisconsin!" When I step away from BET and the like for a while, I mistakenly start to believe that common sense is the new pink. So when I hear someone say "the only opportunities for Black men out here is ball, clothing, or rapping" (I swear some dude just said that on this BET J commercial) it makes my head spin.

In 2007 I’d like to see the following go out of style:

- Young Jeezy

- Comparisons b/t the civil rights movement and gay rights (sorry but it’s just not the same!)

- Carmen Bryan, Karrin Stephens, Melissa Ford, Buffy the Body (I don’t ever want to see or hear about those hoes ever again)

- People not knowing how to navigate the internet. (I actually met someone who didn’t know what Google was)

- Women seeking advice on how to get upgraded to ‘wifey’ from 3-year f&ck-buddy status (sorry but upgrades are rare; once you’ve easily given up the goods it’s too late to negotiate your status in the relationship)

- Cliché advice. Play hard to get…don’t return his calls. What a crock of BS.

In other news, submitting my resignation letter was harder than I it would be.  I can’t give a rational reason for that, but all I know is that I was nervous til I bit the bullet and got it over with. Only one week left here, then some much needed time off before I start the new gig.

I spent all of Friday evening getting my hair braided but other than that my weekend was great. I took my little sis to the African-American Museum (which we’d never heard of until last year when they’ve apparently been here for 30 years smh) and to dinner on Saturday. At any rate, we had fun…I’m happy my sis didn’t think it was corny…you know how teenagers can be. For any of you who’ve been reading since I was at Blogspot, you may remember me mentioning that my mom was on the verge of being sent to Iraq but was able to get out of it a couple of years ago. Well we’re here again but this time it doesn’t seem as though she’ll be able to wiggle her way out of this one. At first I was kind of angry, firstly because she waited until its damn near time for her to deploy before telling me, secondly because she had the opportunity to get out of the reserves during Bush’s regime but chose to stay in. Being as though she’s just a part-timer in the army, there’s really no real benefit for her to stay in and risk being sent to Bombanigga…er I mean Baghdad. Regardless, we have to face it…she doesn’t seem particularly concerned but damn that, my ass is worried. My sister and brother will be staying with their father full-time. However, since I’ve personally witnessed the fact that his wife is a grade A BITCH, I’m sure that my sister will spend lots of time at my place which will take a little getting used to. That child can EAT.

*Sigh* We’ll get through it.

My boss required everyone on my team to submit a bulleted list of goals for 2007 last week. As I sat down and thought about my goals for this year, it only reinforced my desire to move in another direction with my career. I really couldn’t think of much else that I could (or even wanted) do to advance within this company. I’ve known this for quite some time, and have been putting my resume out there, and blabbing to anyone who would listen that I’m searching.

As I sat in my bedroom on Wednesday feeling anxious about my current situation…not knowing where I’m going to live or work, and lamenting my super tight budget, I thought if just ONE thing could go right this week…or even this MONTH, that’ll be enough for me. On Thursday I received a call from the company that I’d interviewed with the week prior and they made an offer. It was so surreal because I’ve been looking for a good while. *makes mental note to send thank-you cards to everyone I bugged to death w/ reading and re-reading my resume/cover letters* It’s an opportunity that I’m very excited about and it came right on time. I haven’t put in my two weeks’ notice yet (not til I get something in writing psssshhhhht!) but I expect that to fall into place by Wednesday.

As far as apartments go, I was torn between staying on the outskirts of the city or moving back to the city altogether. It would be cheaper (so long as I don’t move downtown) and everything would be closer, including work (the new job is 2 blocks from the old job). However, if I move back to the city, whatever I’d save in rent, I’d lose in car insurance. It didn’t help that as I was thinking about all of this, the local news was playing in the background and the story was about yet ANOTHER mofo that got shot. Um…people don’t tend to get shot around here so I’m gonna stay put. Furthermore, when I sat down, crunched numbers and compared what’s out there to what I have (and viewed some very blah apartments), clearly I have a good deal, even when I take the AC fee into account (utilities are included with rent so they charge a yearly fee to use an AC). Plus my apartment is as cute as ever!

I’m already thinking of ways to save my pay increase woo hoo.

Last Friday I left for ATL and my apartment was looking CRAZY. I’m the worst packer ever…everything was all over the place. Not to mention the place was slightly junky before I even started. When I got back on Tues I was too tired to deal with it which carried into Weds, Thurs, AND Fri. Plus I hadn’t been to the gym in over a week when I was just starting to get back into the groove AGAIN. I had a really shitty week overall. On Saturday I got up and cleaned my apt from top to bottom, then hit the gym…whew, I feel like ME again.

Atlanta was great though. I learned a few things while I was there:

- Nobody in ATL is actually FROM there. The only real ATLiens that I met worked at "Hal’s Package Store" (interesting name for a liquor store innit? lol) and the Waffle House (imagine that scene in Jason’s Lyric when Jason runs into Lyric at her job…yeah it was just like that LOL). It was fabulous.

- I prefer ringing in the new year at a house party to the club, ESPECIALLY in Atlanta. The DJs go crunk and NEVER come back, sheesh.

- You can get a brand new 3 br/2.5 bath condo for less than 200k! My friend K and I stayed at her cousin’s place…his neighborhood is so new that it isn’t even on Mapquest.

- Need your nails and hair did? Well, you can do those AND go grocery shopping all at the same place! LOL

- There are men EVERYWHERE. Fine ones too! I heard that there’s a serious man shortage down there but I didn’t see it AT ALL. I dunno if it was due to the holiday weekend (people tend to come out more) or what. I don’t have any bad stories about the men either…except that one guy who tried to holla at my friend but his LIP GLOSS killed his chances. He was persistent too!

 - [totally unrelated] There are just some things that you can’t be cheap with…like pots. I bought a set of "starter" pots when I moved here last year and no matter how much non-stick spray I use when cooking, everything still gets jacked up. So my stepdad bought me a new set for Christmas…omg they are like heaven. My eggs were so perfect this morning and I didn’t have to soak the pan for 2 weeks to get it clean!

*Sigh* back to reality. I made some financial blunders last year that I don’t intend to repeat. The car that I bought is sensible (a Chevy) however, I should’ve waited until I got my credit score higher before I bought it because my payment eats up a higher percentage of my pay than it should and I’ve had to make some tough sacrifices because of it. I did shop around and I went for the best interest rate, and I also got the car for a good price but if only I knew then what I know now! However, the purchase forced me to think about my money differently, and to seek out personal finance resources to ensure that I keep myself afloat.

I blew my budget straight to hell in December (and going to ATL!), and am now staring at a credit card balance that’s going to take about 2 months to pay off. Spending money before you get it is never a good idea! My problem is that I don’t plan well for miscellaneous expenses such as gifts, new glasses, etc. So, I’m updating my budget (which consists of a simple Excel spreadsheet broken down by pay period) for 07 which includes those things and I’m sticking to it. More specifically, I’ve written a list of all the (major) misc expenses that I can think of that tend to come up throughout the year, estimated the cost (or what I’m willing to spend lol), divided it by 12, and that’s the amount I’ll set aside monthly. It’s still a work in progress though.

To top it all off, I’m moving out of my apt at the end of February and am still job hunting. I’ve been saving for the move which definitely helps. I have an interview next week and if I land it I’ll be staying in Philly (I’d submitted my resume to them before I ‘adjusted’ my name so so far my experiment hasn’t worked lol)…this company has offices in Atlanta too . Otherwise, I’m still applying for jobs in the DC metro area as well, so I’m not sure where I’ll end up. I DO know that I’m getting the hell out of this apt complex.

I’m the worst kind of fan. You know, the one who all but gives up on the team when the star QB goes down for the season. Then when the team ends the season at the top of the division and wins the wildcard game, they’re the fan suddenly cheering the loudest. Well I’m not going to jump back on the bandwagon now. [E-A-G-L-E-S!!!!] Nope, not gonna do it. [E-A-G-L-E-S!!!]

As far as dating goes, the roster is rather empty. I met a few guys in ATL but they don’t live any where near me soooo yeah, my ‘lovelife’ is rather dry.

I’ve decided against waiting until Jan 1 to make some changes. Yeah yeah December is almost over but I’ve been on this kick for a couple of weeks now.

- Be more outspoken/assertive/proactive
The same coworker advised me to change my name on my resume (btw I decided to go with a "T. Sandra Taylor" type of name…I’ll keep yall posted!), let’s call her Debbie, told me that I’m known as being "too quiet." No shock there, been hearing that since I was five. I’m not sure how one goes about changing such a personality trait but it’s time to give it a sincere try. It was one of those "who’s labeled" conversations. Everybody has some label attached to them but I say that nobody’s perfect. We all fall short somehow. People expect way too much of other people at times.

- Stop skipping the strength training part of my workout…I miss having muscles
- Volunteer more often (just signed up for a mentor program in Southwest Philly Philly…where I am from)
- Enroll in the company’s 401(k) program…I was going to wait until I either made more money or turned 25 (whichever came first) but I signed up yesterday to contribute a small amount…my budget was already tight but I’m sure I’ll find a way to make it work woo hoo

Last night some of the coworkers went to a bar to celebrate a soon-to-be ex-coworker (Meek) getting a new (and much better!) job. Someone invited two of his minister friends which was VERY interesting. One who I’ll call Aaron, is Honduran, and the other (Mark) is White. Why did they spend the entire evening buying everybody drinks and otherwise being the life of the party? They were really trying to bar hop and hang out! WE had to tell THEM that we were tired and ready to go. I feel at ease because Aaron assured me that I’ll be going to heaven because he and God are tight like that, and since he PERSONALLY sent up a prayer, I’m good. It’s great to be well-connected.

Around 11:30p there are about five of us left: the ministers, Meek, and two Black guys (O and J) that we work with (J happens to be Meeks ex/baby daddy…she got him hired last year AFTER they broke up). We were about to go our separate ways and the ministers were concerned with how Meek and I were getting home. Meek and I both park at train stations and take the subway to work. It didn’t make sense to go get our cars then come back downtown to drive around for 20mins looking for parking. O happened to drive to work that day so his car was nearby. J doesn’t have a car and was planning to ride with O, and they knew the situation with our cars. Meek and I planned to take a cab to our cars but it would’ve been nice if O would’ve offered us a ride b/c he KNEW that where we parked was close to where he lives. And J had already secured his ride so he didn’t give a damn. The ministers offered us a ride…those guys were cool, really…but who’s to say that they were really ministers? I don’t know them dudes lol.

As we’re standing outside, O jumps in his car and drives away without even saying good-bye. That was just the craziest thing to me. When I hang out with friends/associates, we always discuss how everybody is getting home, ESPECIALLY when there’s alcohol involved. As I’m calling for our cab, J calls O back and asks him to drive us to our destinations…all of which are within a 3 mile radius of O’s apt and he knows this! J can literally walk home from O’s place. So O comes right back and picks us up but acts like he was asked to give up a limb. I would expect that from coworkers who are barely acquainted…but damn, I thought we were COOL.

Blogsome is trippin’ today…I’ve been trying to post this for HOURS. Sheesh.

I was watching Talk Sex w/ Sue Jo last night [Why is it that black girls named ‘Keisha’ always call the show with dumb ass questions? "When a man cheats, does his scrotum hang lower?" LOL] and chatting on AIM when I got a message from my friend Ree. This is the same friend who was fighting her bf while I was in the car a few months ago (for the readers of my last blog). The same one who got pregnant after that incident and is now carrying twins. She asked if I was still awake and I knew a favor request was coming. She asked if I could pick her up and take her to her mom’s house. She said that she and the bf weren’t physically fighting but she’s just sick of him. I was thinking that she was just leaving for the night but she busts out the house with all these bags. I’m not one to pry so it took a lot to bite my tongue.

She said that a lot of things go on between them that she doesn’t talk about and that he makes her miserable. Miserable is a very strong word! There are so many things that I wanted to say but I didn’t. Firstly, after that fight in the car they should’ve went their separate ways. Secondly, having a baby has to be a mutual decision. Yes she told him that she stopped taking her pills and he went raw dog anyway. But he said that he’s not ready to have children. She totally disregarded that (sure he’s not innocent b/c he was aware of her wanting to get preggers…but a woman knows that the responsibility falls on her whether he bails or not) all while complaining that he doesn’t fulfill his role of ‘man of the house.’ Maybe she thought that the prospect of being a father would make him step up. Regardless, she’s known him for many years so she knows who she was dealing with. Knowing that, she can only blame herself for the situation that she’s in. I think she now knows this though, and I won’t have to say a word.

I spoke to another friend (Lynn) about the situation. She told me that Ree most likely decided to have a baby b/c she wants something to love that will always love her back. Lynn said that that was the very reason that she had her daughter when she did – love from men is fleeting but her child will always be there. She’s found herself and now knows that she made a mistake…she loves her baby but she should’ve searched inside (or up above) for fulfillment.

I wonder if I can see my own mistakes and woulda/coulda/shouldas as easily as someone else’s.  I got a call from someone in my past…someone that if soul mates exist, he was it. Unfortunately, he chose to pursue a relationship with someone who isn’t me. He called me recently after a long hiatus and told me that he felt that we had a strong connection on many levels, and knowing this, it has delayed his proposal to his live-in girlfriend. I didn’t say anything. I just listened because in my mind, if he wanted to be with me, he would have a long time ago. I’ve said this to him in the past. I know that if I would’ve said it again it would’ve led to an argument…arguments that can’t lead to a resolution aren’t my style.

When I relayed the situation to some folks, one (male) friend said, “He’s an asshole.” Another said, “He ain’t shit.” LOL, definitely a woman’s response. It’s hard for me to see him as an asshole in the same way I would if he were someone that I never had feelings for…but really, that’s exactly what he is. For all I know they could already be married and he just wants me to be wrapped up in him again for his own selfish reasons. Over the past two years we’ve talked from time to time but our conversations usually consisted solely of work, family, friends, goals, etc. I mean, we’ve known each other since high school.

Over the past few years I didn’t ask about his relationship and he didn’t speak about it. At first I used to ask why he chose some goal-less 2 baby daddy having chick over me…I never got an answer but eventually got over it. It’s so easy for me to tell someone else to cut all communication but I’ll be damned if that isn’t hard as hell for me to do.

Yesterday I was reading this article about people with poor coping skills. These are people who feel that they have no control over a situation when in reality they own it. When an obstacle gets in their way, instead of readjusting to deal with and eventually conquer it, they give up and accept the hand that they are dealt. Sometimes I see those qualities in myself and I don’t like it one bit. Honestly, my life isn’t that hard, unless I choose to make it so.

I started writing an entry about coworkers but remembered that people have gotten fired for that.

So what I want to know is how people get ahead by coasting on the backs of others? How does a person like this slip through the cracks? There’s a difference between delegating and being all out lazy. If you want me to do YOUR job, give me a portion of YOUR salary! It doesn’t take people long to catch on to a person like that. After a while they start avoiding this type of person at all costs. So the ‘delegator’ moves on to the next unsuspecting new hire, and the cycle restarts.