One minute I’m ready to quit my job, the next minute I like it. One minute I want to relocate…well, uh, I still plan to relocate. I was looking over my resume yesterday and it sort of resembles trash. Two years out of school, 1.5 years at the last gig, 6 months at the current gig…hmm I’m thinking that I should stay put for a bit so that my resume can at least look like something. I’m currently a consultant for a contractor. I’m seeing some VERY interesting dynamics going on, especially since I work at a client site. Firstly, the client employees kind of look at us funny b/c we were hired in part to save money on employee benefits. So they’re kind of looking at us like we’re illegal aliens — driving down the cost of labor so that the employer doesn’t have to pay top $$$. On top of that we’re under extra scrutiny and held to a higher standard than the client employees that do the exact same jobs as we do (excluding the extra responsibilities that come our way). On the other hand, the work environment is more relaxed and working after 5pm is pretty much unheard of…I LOVE that LOL. I guess I’ll stick it out at least until I hit the one year mark, then start plotting my relocation.
This is going to be one hell of a year. My mom is not slated to return from Iraq until next July. My brother will have to choose a high school within the next couple of months, and my sister has to start thinking about colleges. I don’t think she’s completely sold on college but we’re halfway there. She’s a junior now and I’m trying to line up some campus tours for this fall to get her in that mode. She finally started getting the college thing in her head when we ran into my old middle school best friend. My sister and I were headed to my mom’s to pick up some things before she headed off to Iraq and we saw this friend who I’ll call Fatou. Fatou and I have been in and out of touch since my first year of college but from 7th grade til then we were attached at the hip.
I remember when 12th grade rolled around and we talked about the SATs and Fatou didn’t even want to take the test. She said something about being bad at math and I assured her that I was too but I was taking that damn test. I tried to convince her but she had her own agenda. By November of senior year I’d gotten accepted by the college I ended up attending. They said apply early and I was SO there. All the while Fatou had no plan other than moving in with some silly boyfriend after graduation. Fast-forward 7 years and she’s working two full-time jobs just to make ends meet. One 9a-6p type job, and one at Walmart from 11p-7a just to SURVIVE. I’m so glad my sister was with me when Fatou and I were having that catch-up conversation. Ever since that day my sister has been gung ho about the campus tours and she’s repeatedly said, "I don’t want to end up like Fatou." Previously, talking to her about college was sort of like talking to my damned self. My brother not so much. He’s already confirmed that he’s going to be a lawyer and he just has all the answers (or so he thinks–lol) so I don’t worry about him as much. I am, however, trying to steer him toward this particular high school that’s known for sending about 80-90% of it’s students to college, and the avg SAT scores for that school are high compared to the other schools in the city. It’s kind of tough when they live with their dad who has a GED and isn’t really pushing them that hard because nobody pushed him and he practically raised himself, although I’ll admit he’s doing the best he can.
I KNEW I was going to college sophomore year. West Chester University had a program with my high school where 30 sophomores were chosen to live on campus for 2 weeks in the summer and take classes to get the college experience. We stayed in the dorms, had to go to class every morning, and even had a meal plan. I didn’t know anybody that went to college and was like WOOOOOOW THIS IS WHAT I’M GONNA DO. Seriously. Although I KNEW that I didn’t want to attend WCU that school always has a special place in my heart for that experience. I think I’ll make it the first stop on our campus tour.
I was reading C2A’s blog the last week, as she had been posting about marriage and budgeting. It got me to thinking about the marriages I’ve witnessed b/t my mom and her ex-husband (my siblings’ father, Carl) and current husband (soon to be ex – Mr. Dad – for my one or two old readers lol).
I can vaguely remember when my mom met Carl. I was going on four years old and my mother and I were living in the projects with my uncle, his wife, and their four kids. He had his own apartment and let my mom and I move in with him to get us out of that overcrowded, roach infested, 3 bedroom project apartment we were living in. He had a daughter who was around 12 or so. He was a drug dealer; they don’t keep regular hours so my mom could leave me with him while she went to work. As I remember it, he took his daughter and I to the Gallery every day to go shopping. It was probably more like 2-3x a week but I was four at the time so bear with me. We walked all up and through that mall (he was a bargain shopper — go figure) and that’s torture for a child. It wouldn’t have been so bad if he’d bought me so much as a Happy Meal, but the majority of the time, we were shopping for leather jackets, and Run DMC style gold chains for him and his daughter. I remember telling him: "Mister Carl, I don’t like you because you never buy me anything" and he and my mom laughed it off during a romantic evening of chopping and bagging up cocaine, because, well I was four.
They eventually gave up "the life," we began attending church every Sunday, and he and mom got married by the time I was seven. All that shopping for crap ceased, and the line was clearly drawn: I was my mother’s child. He had no obligation to me, and whatever my mother couldn’t do for me just didn’t get done. I saw my biological father occassionally until I was about 8 but haven’t seen him since although we live in the same city. Anyway, by the time I was 10 my sister was born and I started to notice things. Carl had a rule that if he’d given my mother (or me) any amount of money greater than $2, she had to pay it back. They’d bought a house and argued over the mortgage because her name wasn’t on it (he told her that he couldn’t get her name on the deed due to her poor credit; her ignorance allowed her to believe that), yet he fully expected her to pay half, as well as half of any other household bills. There were times when I needed things and although it was known that he was a saver and always had a plentiful account, he’d let me do without because I wasn’t his kid. He’d let my mother do without as well…he only GAVE us stuff on holidays & during income tax time. They kept completely separate accounts and nobody ever knew how much the other really had.
They separated several times throughout the years. Each time that happened, it was me and my mom, (and my siblings when they came along) who had to move out of the house. It was HIS house after all. So, when they ineviteably reconciled, my mom stopped contributing to the mortgage…why pay when your landlord husband can kick you out whenever he feels like it? By the time I was 13, my brother came along and I REALLY started to notice things. I began to feel like THEY were a family, and I was just a girl who lived there. His kids never went without a damned thing. I never had a bond with Carl and to this very day, my mom says I was on to something when I told him I didn’t like him at age four.
By the time I was 16 they were headed for divorce, as they’d both started new relationships during the marriage and were ready to move on. When they separated the last time, he only kicked my mother out and let me and his kids stay. Such kindness. My mom and her new man, Mr. Dad, had found a new home within 6 months, so the kids and I moved out of Carl’s. My mom asked me how I felt about Mr. Dad moving in with us LESS THAN A YEAR AFTER HER DIVORCE and I told her that I was totally against it. I didn’t know this man from a can of paint, why should I trust him, and why should I have to deal with ANOTHER man of hers so soon after getting rid of the last one? For a while she let me have my way and Mr. Dad stayed with his WIFE. She said she would respect my wishes but Mr. Dad had moved in within 6 months of that conversation regardless. He said that he and his wife had been separated for years, and that he lived in the basement all that time, and he was ready to move forward with my mom.
Immediately after he came on the scene, he seemed to take an interest in my life, school, and my future. That threw me off a bit because I wasn’t used to that kind of attention, not even from my mother. I was fully expecting him to be a jerk, really. Well it turned out that he was the total opposite of Carl, he was selfless, a very southern (Mississippi), old school (several years older than my mom) provider-type. He automatically took on a father role with me because my siblings had a relationship with their dady and I had none; we became very close. They got their respective divorces then got married when I was round 20. Marriage #3 for the both of them.
Money, money, money. My mom’s marriage to Carl taught her that she had to be self-sufficient, and the sharing of money was not something she’d ever even considered. Mr. Dad made 2, maybe even 3x what she made, and they certainly had the means to live comfortably if they’d cooperated more, and she’d spent less time with the "mine" attitude that was ingrained in her. She’d always had ‘just in case’ in the back of her mind because of all the times that Carl kicked us out and we had to find a place to live immediately. Mr. Dad found out about secret accounts that she’d had and that caused strife. I’d say that the majority of their arguments stemmed from money issues, particularly the lack of full disclosure and cooperation. Not to mention the way that they’d gotten together and the trust issues on BOTH ends, but that’s another post.
Although they’re currently going through the divorce process, they get along well. He says he "gets" my mom, and understands how her upbringing has shaped her. He also "gets" that he just can’t be married to her and vice versa lol. But it has me wondering how my upbringing has shaped me. I know which things I don’t want, and what I’d like to do differently, especially when it comes to money. I don’t even have to talk about fidelity b/c that’s a given. The slightest hint of selfishness in a man (i.e. not wanting to pick me up for and/or take me on a date) and lack of dependability turns me all the way off. I do realize that I have to be discerning of a man’s character and true intentions before I allow myself to get wrapped up in him in any way. The goal is to find someone trustworthy and then…trust him. However, it’s difficult because I tend to not put ANYTHING past people. I’ve witnessed firsthand how folks just do whatever they feel like doing, family, marriage, God, be damned. Despite it all, things that seemed to be the norm when I was coming up are flat out unacceptable to me as an adult.
When I meet a guy, one of the first things I want to know is what his upbringing was like. I’ve found that I have a set of assumptions from jump: a lot of guys who grew up without a father figure, even if non-biological, don’t respect women, and don’t know how to be men. They subconsciously blame their mother for a) not choosing a good mate to begin with — one who’d stick around and be there for his kid(s), and b) not doing enough to "keep" his father so that he would have never left, and they end up treating women just as badly as their father does/did. Maybe a lot of women subconsciously blame mom too.
I’d like to think that I turned out pretty normal, whatever that is. But I can’t help but wonder that when I meet a guy, things start to get serious, and he finds out about my background, what would his assumptions be of me, and how would that impact our interactions?
According to Young Jeezy.
Sometimes I truly feel like an outsider looking in when it comes to pop-culture. When will some shit just go out of style? Why the f&$! do people even like Young Jeezy? How many ways can you rap about being a hustler/thug/killa before people start to say "gtfoh, you’re from Wisconsin!" When I step away from BET and the like for a while, I mistakenly start to believe that common sense is the new pink. So when I hear someone say "the only opportunities for Black men out here is ball, clothing, or rapping" (I swear some dude just said that on this BET J commercial) it makes my head spin.
In 2007 I’d like to see the following go out of style:
- Young Jeezy
- Comparisons b/t the civil rights movement and gay rights (sorry but it’s just not the same!)
- Carmen Bryan, Karrin Stephens, Melissa Ford, Buffy the Body (I don’t ever want to see or hear about those hoes ever again)
- People not knowing how to navigate the internet. (I actually met someone who didn’t know what Google was)
- Women seeking advice on how to get upgraded to ‘wifey’ from 3-year f&ck-buddy status (sorry but upgrades are rare; once you’ve easily given up the goods it’s too late to negotiate your status in the relationship)
- Cliché advice. Play hard to get…don’t return his calls. What a crock of BS.
In other news, submitting my resignation letter was harder than I it would be. I can’t give a rational reason for that, but all I know is that I was nervous til I bit the bullet and got it over with. Only one week left here, then some much needed time off before I start the new gig.
I spent all of Friday evening getting my hair braided but other than that my weekend was great. I took my little sis to the African-American Museum (which we’d never heard of until last year when they’ve apparently been here for 30 years smh) and to dinner on Saturday. At any rate, we had fun…I’m happy my sis didn’t think it was corny…you know how teenagers can be. For any of you who’ve been reading since I was at Blogspot, you may remember me mentioning that my mom was on the verge of being sent to Iraq but was able to get out of it a couple of years ago. Well we’re here again but this time it doesn’t seem as though she’ll be able to wiggle her way out of this one. At first I was kind of angry, firstly because she waited until its damn near time for her to deploy before telling me, secondly because she had the opportunity to get out of the reserves during Bush’s regime but chose to stay in. Being as though she’s just a part-timer in the army, there’s really no real benefit for her to stay in and risk being sent to Bombanigga…er I mean Baghdad. Regardless, we have to face it…she doesn’t seem particularly concerned but damn that, my ass is worried. My sister and brother will be staying with their father full-time. However, since I’ve personally witnessed the fact that his wife is a grade A BITCH, I’m sure that my sister will spend lots of time at my place which will take a little getting used to. That child can EAT.
*Sigh* We’ll get through it.
This past holiday & weekend was so refreshing…and interesting. On Thanksgiving my mom, sister, brother, and I went over to my aunt’s for dinner. My family isn’t particularly close so it was great seeing those who that I hadn’t seen in a while. I love my coo coo family LOL.
I was talking with my aunt and she mentioned that my uncle just had his 8th child, this time with "Gina." Gina…Gina…hmmm. All night long, my aunt kept talking about karma in a way that I knew she had some juicy gossip, but wasn’t telling. And my mom kept saying that my uncle needs Jesus. I HATE when people have that knowing tone yet keep me out of the loop! I said, "Gina sounds VERY familiar." Both my mom and aunt then look at me like I’m an idiot and said "You KNOW who Gina is." That’s when it clicked. Gina is my uncle’s best friend Tony’s baby’s mom. She’s been close to our family for years (Tony has 3 kids with her). I was hoping that it was another Gina…that’s a common name, sheesh. Tony and my uncle were so close. When I was a kid, I thought that Tony was my mom’s brother too!
I remember saying that their 20+ year friendship must be over and my aunt replying that you can’t help who you fall in love with. Yes you can (but that’s another blog entry)! I’m not so sure that love had anything to do with it. Apparently Tony slept with one of my uncle’s baby’s mamas (the same chick who shot my uncle in the foot a while ago) back in the day so this is just karma according to my aunt. If karma is that strong then my uncle has it coming to him something SERIOUS. He has a total of 6 kids from three women who were best friends before he came into the picture. His 7th child was born to some random side chick immediately after his wife (at the time) had a miscarriage (side chick made it her BUSINESS to make sure his wife found out)…behold baby #8. My aunt tells me that this is just how people behave but I refuse to believe that normal people get down this way. They are all a bunch of shady mofos…women sleeping with & getting knocked up by the same man, best friends sleeping with each other’s baby mamas. I know my uncle’s game ain’t THAT tight to the point that he can convince "sweet & innocent" women to sleep with the other’s man (or ex man). They are a wild bunch and they deserve one another.
This all has me thinking carefully about who I associate with & consider friends.
