k.unwrapped

This post is piggybacking off of S23’s post here. I pretty much reposted my comment from her site and added a couple of things in.

People are always saying that if you consistently attract ‘certain’ types then you have to look at why you’re attracting them. I can understand that to an extent, but at the same time, when a man approaches you cold, he doesn’t know anything about you other than how you look. So unless you dress and/or carry yourself like a hoodrat or whore, how in the hell can it reflect negatively on you if random crazies find you attractive and decide to approach?

What I look at when a man approaches is how he talks to me (none of that "hey baby" crap), how he looks (if he has braids or sagging pants he can forget it), and in applicable cases the content of his convo (if he tells me his name is Jermaine but I should call him "J-Dubb" then there’s no way we could be compatible).

What’s up with all these false advertisers out here? They approach you looking good, very respectful and interesting. Then you get them on the phone and they say the craziest shit ever.

Exhibit A:

Me: So do you live alone?

Him: No.

Me: … (waiting for him to elaborate lol)

Me: So who do you live with?

Him: A girl.

Me: A girl??? You have a damn girlfriend?

Him: Something like that.

Me: Well it was nice meeting you then.

Him: *chuckles* But…

Me: *click*

If you’re gonna say crazy shit, I need for you to have a wonky eye, dress like a bum, and maybe a missing tooth or three. It would make things SO much easier. Seriously.

One day last week as I was walking into the subway station on my way to work, I heard someone beeping their horn but didn’t pay attention to it. I figure that if I’m not in my car, walking in or near the street, or it isn’t someone I know, nobody should be beeping at me. Period. It turns out that the horn beeper was my friend’s Ki’s brother-in-law who had to yell "heeeey K!" to get my attention. I laughed, waved, and got my arse to work as I was running late anyway.

Fast forward to yesterday and Ki invited me to the bbq of this same brother-in-law & her sister. He said, "you acted like you ain’t know me the other day, K! I bet that if a guy wants to talk to you he’d better get OUT the car b/c you won’t even look his way if he beeps at you (laughs)." I told him heck no I don’t respond to the honking of the horn b/c you honk at a prostitute (or women dressed like prostitutes — neither of which applies to me) and any guy doing that mess isn’t going to be my type. Trust me. The guy that Ki is currently dating chimed in and said I could be missing out on a good thing. The way I see it is this. If you get up in the morning to take the 7:30 bus, get to the bus stop at 7:25 and board your bus when it comes and you’re on your merry way. You’re not going to get on the 7:30 bus and think about what happened to the 7:00 and 7:15 buses because they were not for you. What’s for me is for me and a guy who beeps his horn at random women when he’s driving ain’t for me. There’s nothing to lament.

A lot of guys use their car horns as mack tools but it’s stupid. Even if he parks and gets out of the car, I still don’t like it. If I’m walking down the street, you have no way of knowing whether or not I’d even be receptive of your advances. That’s something you can only get through face-to-face interaction. Plus, what kind of idiot does one have to be to think that driving beside a walking woman, or even getting out of your car and randomly approaching her is a good idea? What would make a guy assume that this woman is not threatened by a STRANGER doing that dumb shit? If you see an attractive woman walking down the street, if you can’t be smoother than honking your horn then just make a mental note that she is attractive and KEEP IT MOVING.

Don’t say ‘I love you’ first. I had a friend once who told a guy that she loved him and his response was ‘thanks.’ You don’t want to be on the receiving end of that so let the man say it first.

I started writing this entry a few months back, then abandoned it for some reason. That said, I have NO idea where the above quote came from.

Anyway, that kind of advice does nothing to help women. Hearing "thanks" in response to "I love you" is hardly the end of the world. As adults, we need to understand that sometimes we have feelings for people that aren’t mutual and vice versa (I would’ve been a bit salty though, lol). Furthermore, that kind of advice is telling women that we shouldn’t take risks and should avoid rejection at all costs. But we have common sense and we should use it. We also must trust our judgement in dating situations.

If you tell someone that you love them, it should be because you actually feel that way, not because you expect them to feel the same way or to hear it in return. You definitely shouldn’t settle for a one-sided relationship, but if it’s somewhat early into your relationship, give the person time to reach your emotional level. That’s where common sense comes in. Love is an action word so you will know if the man is falling for you (or if he isn’t interested) based on how he treats you.

I wouldn’t suggest being an aggressive woman but a friend told me he digs that so to each his own. Holding back for fear of rejection isn’t helpful either.

Myth 1: Men don’t know how to behave in a relationship. It is up to a woman to be patient and "teach" him how to treat her.

On an episode of "Roseanne," Roseanne tries to convince Jackie to marry a man who demands that she quit her job as a cop as a condition of marriage. But Jackie wants a husband like Dan, who is considerate and understanding. Roseanne tells Jackie that it took years of hard work…Dan didn’t come out of the package pre-assembled.

It only works that way in TV Land folks. I know that we’ve all heard that you subconsciously teach someone how to treat you by what you accept (and don’t) from your mate. And I agree %150. However, there isn’t a man walking this earth who doesn’t know that if he’s in a committed relationship,

- He should stop ‘messing around’ with his ex
- He should call if he’s going to cancel a date
- Spending time with him and his friends does not = quality time for the two of you
- Collecting phone numbers & going on dates with other women is off-limits

Some women might say, "but this is his first serious relationship and he’s learning." If that’s true then OJ didn’t do it and his new book truly is ‘fiction.’ [end sarcasm]

He may try to play dumb, but trust and believe, he’s just trying to see what you’ll allow him to get away with.

Myth 2: Things may be a little rocky in the beginning, but things will change.

Not gonna happen. If you’re in the early stages of dating and he’s always "busy," gives you excuses as to why he can’t return your calls, two years from now things will be the same. If you’re unfortunate enough to make it past dating, and into relationship territory, you will always feel like an afterthought with him. At that point do not complain or try to change him. Either accept it or find someone else who’s less "busy."

Myth 3: A man can completely fool you/you’re a victim.

How often are women completely blindsided by men? In the times that things didn’t work out due to some shadiness on his part, can we honestly say that we didn’t see the signs but chose to ignore them? Or that we gave the benefit of doubt?

That doesn’t mean that a man is excused for being an asshole, nor should we stop giving the benefit of doubt. However, common sense and discretion should be our guide. 

Myth 4: A man should accept you for who you are.

Not necessarily. Are you the best you that you can be? Are you difficult? How are your character, mind, appearance, and treatment of people in your life? You should be accepted for who you are, but not if you’re crazy…unless you’re Jackie Christie — crazy seems to work for her.

She’s kind of lonely for some male attention. So, despite the fact that she knows there’s absolutely NO potential with the guy she’s seeing, she keeps him around simply to hear a male voice on the other end of the phone at night, to have masculine energy in her presence, to be able to say she has a ‘date.’ She knows he’s looking for more than she’s willing to give HIM so she strings him along a bit. Not being too available, but giving him just enough to keep him hanging on. She’s pitiful…she doesn’t understand that it’s perfectly okay to be TOTALLY alone…as in not dating ANYONE at ALL unless and until she knows there is potential with a particular guy.

I don’t want to be THAT girl. I was THIS close to being that girl…well I’ve been that girl before but for the most part I can honestly say it wasn’t a prolonged thing. I was gonna try and be "friends" with Don* after I’d made up my mind that I wasn’t going to settle for what he was offering when it came to dating. We’d never had sex so that meant we could be friends right?

Apparently he thought I wasn’t serious when I first told him that. When he realized I was serious he made a weak attempt to step his game up but by then it was too late. I don’t want anybody treat me in a way that doesn’t come natural to them. Don’t adjust your behavior for the sake of trying to appease me…you’ll just show your ass later so why bother? So Don* realized I was serious about the friends thing (I think) but he asked me to "at least hang out with me for my birthday after I have dinner w/ my family." I agreed and when his b-day came I called to wish him a happy b-day and to solidify where we’d go. He said he’d call me after dinner and never did. I called him around 9ish to see what’s up and he sent me to voicemail. Ok cool. Then he texts me the next day asking if I wanted to go to dinner…he made no mention of the previous night. I simply wrote "no" in response…I hate when people try to have convos via text message. And if you stand me up don’t act like nothing happened…I don’t care if you’re my mama that shit ain’t gonna fly. He keeps texting me like everything is cool and I ask if he’s gonna continue to pretend that he didn’t stand me up the day before. He writes, "dinner ran over and I got home late, I’m sorry." I replied, "that excuse ain’t gonna fly, it takes 5 minutes to call or text ‘I’m not gonna hang out with you tonite,’ a person has one time to pull that without a valid excuse and they can rest assured that I’ll NEVER make plans with them again." He writes back that it isn’t an ‘excuse’ but whatever. I replied, "there’s no point in wasting each other’s time. you go your way and I’ll go mine. Peace." And that was the end of Don.*

On Saturday as I prepared to run my typical errands, as I was getting dressed I noticed that this particular pair of jeans were more roomy than before. Damn this working out consistently is paying off, forreal. I always work out at least once or twice a week. Mostly jogging. But when I hit the 3-4x a week mark my body rewards me and does it well. Not that I didn’t have a nice body before hehe. I also have my forced diet a.k.a. braces to thank for that. I’ve had them for two weeks and still can’t bite into a sandwich or slice of pizza without wincing. Anyway, on Saturdays I usually throw on my workout clothes, run my errands, then hit the gym or vice versa. But since I’d worked out on Friday I decided to take a break and felt the urge to throw on some pumps and a cute outfit. I NEVER get jazzy to run errands but I felt pretty damn good on a 75 degree day. I hit NY & Co to buy my friend a gift card for her birthday. That’s her favorite store…and she’s in the process of losing weight so I didn’t dare try to pick anything out for her. Next I hit the car wash…one of the ones that you have to get out of the car while the attendants run your car through for you. So I get out of the car and walk around the building and see this guy.

Me: He sure looks like Idris Elba…seriously…DAMN.
Him: *Smile*
Me: *cheesy grin* (Sits down and waits for my car)
Him: "Can I dry your car for you?"
Me: "Sure…uh, you’re a little overdressed aren’t you?"
Him: "I’m just kidding, I don’t work here. So…what’s your name?"
Me: That was so corny. "K, and you?"
Him: "Mark. Are you married, engaged, have a boyfriend, or any kids???"

LMAO. So we exchange numbers and all that jazz…we talk and go shoot pool a couple days later (the night that Don* stood me up lol) which was fun dispite my shaky (read: shitty) skills. At 27, he’s not stable which is a MAJOR turn off for me. By stable I mean able to support himself. I immediately know that there’s no potential there. The only thing I like about him is how he looks. But I tell myself that I can just keep him around for some company…just to have a man around in some form or fashion. SMH @ my damned self for that one. Not gonna be THAT girl.

Friday, September 10, 2004

There’s a fine line between protecting yourself from bullshit and being a bag lady type of chick that thinks every man she meets is out to fuck her over. I met someone a few weeks ago, we talked via the phone and aim, then he came to visit (he lives in another city) one Saturday. We had a good time together that day but as soon as he left things were different. Or maybe they weren’t different. Before he even came to visit I noticed that every time he called me he was in route - either on his way home from work or on his way to the store. He never called me from his home and every time he reached his home he’d get off the phone with me. I had two cell phone numbers that he gave me and neither phone was likely to be turned on when I called. He also sent emails when it would make more sense to call. Nevertheless I still went out with him.

** This is a repost from my old Blogspot

As I was paying for my coffee at Dun.kin’ Dough.nuts this morning, the cashier, Hamri, stares at my credit card (left my debit card in an ATM and waiting on a new one) then says my name. Then he says "I see you tomorrow, K?" to which I replied, "you mean Monday? And that’s if I’m in the mood for coffee haha" He then says, *sly grin* "well, I can see you tomorrow still, no?" So I say, "only if you plan on dreaming about me, Hamri." So random and totally unexpected! LOL.

Two weeks from now I’m getting braces put on. Yesterday the orthodontist put some kind of spacers between my molars to make room for metal thingy that’s gonna go around my teeth and will serve as a sort of anchor for shifting all of my teeth. These shits are SO uncomfortable and I didn’t eat much yesterday b/c of it. It feels a lot better today but I’m thinking what the heck did I get myself into? Short term discomfort is worth the long term benefit. Gotta keep reminding myself.

I don’t really know what to say about my diet. I’m not eating 5-6x a day like I was, but I’m still overall making good choices. I say overall because this morning I had an egg/cheese crouisant which is far from healthy. I didn’t go grocery shopping so I’m out of fruit, applesauce, etc., and I can’t eat my energy bars b/c they’re too chewy and might make my spacers pop out. I’ll probably just have Minestrone soup for lunch and I plan on making some tofu, brown rice, veggies, with Hoisin sauce for dinner so I don’t feel too guilty about that crouisant. AND I’ve already been to the gym 3x this week and tomorrow will be the 4th. Instead of running for 25 mins I’m doing intervals. For the first 3 minutes I’ll walk at 4.0 mph w/ a 5% incline. The next 3 mins I’ll jog at 5.5 mph (no incline on the jog), followed by 3 mins at 6.0, then 3 mins at 6.5. 6.5 is a sprint for me and is very difficult at this point so I don’t push it any further than that. From that point I drop it back to 5.5 and work my way up again. Around the 20 min mark I’m exhausted and have to walk at 4.0 (with 5 % incline) again, then work my way back up. The 30 min mark = cool down then I’m done with cardio for the day. I slacked on the strength training last week so this week I’m slightly struggling with that again. It’s very hard to stick to that portion of my workout like I should! I’m trying though *sigh.*

Sometimes when I come to a conclusion about something/someone, I’ll stop, think about it, and observe a little bit more. What usually happens is that my initial thought was correct to begin with. I mentioned before that Don* is ‘good on paper,’ as Hostess would say. I really don’t meet tons of ‘good on paper’ guys so I didn’t want to just blow him off over a small thing…so I just observed a bit more. When we first went out I met him at the spot, which is fine because everybody doesn’t need to know where I live right away. By the 3rd outing or so, I expected him to offer to pick me up for our date. He was visiting his mom beforehand, who lives like 5-10 mins from me, plus we were headed to a couple of different places and driving around in two cars didn’t make sense to me. He didn’t offer so I met him at the art show…after that we planned to hit the movies. I asked if I could just leave my car at the art show venue and he could just drop me off at my car after the movie. He said, "I think we should take two cars." That didn’t sit well with me. I’ve never went to the movies in separate cars…who does that? So we went to the movies and when I got home I thought that I should cut him off because either he isn’t interested in me like that and/or the way he deals with women just doesn’t work for me and I should just move on either way. I have no desire for a buddy and I already have enough friends. I’m certain that I want to be in a relationship so there’s no point in giving too much of my attention to someone who isn’t on the same page.

So I asked him if he was just looking for a buddy, or a friend to hang out with and he said no. I told him that his actions say otherwise and laid out EVERYTHING that I just wrote about above. He said that he understood where I was coming from and that he is interested in me and blah blah blah. Fast forward a week or so and I have to meet him at some other spot and I end up paying for the date because he ‘forgot his wallet.’ He magically found his wallet not 5 minutes after getting into his car. The same wallet he didn’t seem THAT concerned about when he said he didn’t have it, which I called him on but he swore that he’s not that kind of guy. As if he’d say "yeah, K I lied about not having my wallet b/c I’m broke and/or just didn’t want to pay." I was gonna just up and disappear but after talking to him for 3 months or so, I figure that I’ll be nice and tell him why I’m disappearing before I pull a Whodini. 

The VA trip turned out to be more fun than I thought. Training was 8:30a-5p so I had the evenings to play with.  I took the Metro from DC and didn’t even get lost. I went to my first *ahem* male review out in MD with my friend who lives in Alexandria (whose coworker was celebrating her 25th b-day) which was a hot ghetto mess LOL. First of all the place was so packed that they had to close off the parking lot. Half them dudes either looked gay or thought that it would be a good idea to imitate that group Pretty Ricky which basically = gay. Something about a man in a g-string is too feminine…I guess because women wear them too. Plus sized ladies showed those dudes so much love and gave up so much $$$…I don’t get it. Of course there’s always that one old ass man, who may look good for his age, but is obviously too damn old to be shaking his money-maker. Then you had the lazy dudes who thought that just by standing in front of me for 5 minutes it would earn him a tip…whatever dude. You better move something man! 

There were two guys that I was impressed with…they were ‘entertainers’ forreal…like they REALLY enjoyed flipping and hanging from the ceiling by the ankle as much as the women enjoyed watching it. But it was a long ass night just to see two worthwhile performers, sheesh.

Last week threw a monkey wrench in my routine. I stayed in a hotel for training that had a gym but did I mosy on down there even once? Nope! F&cked my diet all up and everything. I got back into my routine this week but after 7 days of not hitting the gym it was kind of hard when I finally got back in there. And I refuse to stand on the scale for another week or two lol.

I did meet up with the 40 y/o for dinner but I seriously doubt that I’ll ever speak to him again. I hate when guys try to get all ‘familiar’ way too soon, it’s a BIG turnoff, especially when I say "chill out" and you want to act like you ain’t hear me or you think you’re just that charming. Whatever. I kinda like Don* but I don’t think he’s that into me so I’ve been keeping our interactions to a minimum. We go out sometimes but no more of that boo-loving on the phone for hours sh!t. I went on a couple of other random dates but they sucked but what else is new?

Well, after the Older Jamaican guy only reduced his calls from 4 a day to 2, I finally broke down, answered the phone, and told him not to call anymore. I should’ve done that from jump.

The new job is going well for the most part but it’s a bit more challenging than I expected it to be. I have to go down to the main campus in VA for corporate brain washing training all next week which should be interesting. I already have a hot date scheduled in the evening hehe. Well, I met this guy when I was in Atlanta at some random lounge. He lives in Alexandria, VA which is just a hop from where I’ll be staying next week. Anyway, when we met I figured him to be b/t 28-34. My friends and I hung out with him and his friends on two different occasions while I was in the ATL. I didn’t really expect to hear from him again after that trip was over but alas he calls me every week. So one day we’re talking and he mentions a football game his son played. I finally ask how old the son is and find that he’s 13. "13??? Damn dude how old ARE you?" Why is he 39 going on 40 this year, and divorced? LOL I was so shocked and when I told my friends who’ve seen him, they were shocked too. It only took me like 2 minutes to get over that though — he’s fun…and hot

When I meet someone out of town I certainly don’t have any expectations…if I enjoy his conversation I’ll keep talking to him but I’m not usually concerned with the particulars. Hence me talking to a guy who was born in the same decade as my mother…she’s 46.

Then there’s Don* who is a more reasonable 31 whom I met back in January. He has all the ‘good on paper’ characteristics…master’s degree, owns his home, no rugrats, intelligent, and F.I.N.E…but I dunno if there’s any ’spark.’ I dunno we’re just taking it day by day. We’re going to some lounge tonite and I finally get to see if this dude can dance like he claims.

I’m feeding my face 5-6 times a day and it’s great. I’ve decided that I need to eat better and I’m back in the gym consistently (consistent = at least 3x a week). I’ve just been trying to make sure that I eat a balanced diet and not overload on any one food group. Oatmeal for breakfast, a piece of fruit about two hours later, homeade turkey burger on wheat (an appropriate portion size though — that is crucial) around noon…apple sauce or baby carrots about two hours after that…then another piece of fruit. I hit the gym right after work then have an Oatmeal-to-go bar or something, then eat Tilapia w/ veggies & brown rice or spaghetti (watching those portions though!) or whatever I may be in the mood for for dinner. I throw in a cup (8oz = proper portion size!) of Chocate Silk Soy milk when I have a taste for something sweet plus it’s good for you. That stuff is sooo good…it tastes just like hot chocolate when you throw it in the microwave for a bit. I cut out beef & pork about three years ago officially but I still eat pork once or twice a year (at a cookout usually lol).

I was actually keeping a food diary for about two weeks and found that I was eating b/t 1300-1800 calories a day. 1300-1500 is ideal for weightloss but shit I ain’t perfect and I’ve already lost 6 lbs in three weeks. I wonder how many calories I was eating before the diet hmmm. I was aiming for a 20 lb (that’ll put my bmi into the ‘healthy’ zone - and that’s where I usually fall when I run consistently) weight loss in total but since this my first time REALLY watching what I eat for longer than 5 minutes, I’m curious to see what weight I fall into in the long run. I run about 2 miles at a moderate speed (about 25 mins total) twice a week and the 3rd day I do the stair-climber for 30 mins. This is all in conjunction with about one hour of strength training 3x a week. It really is true that you lose weight much faster with strength training than just cardio alone. I’ve gotten so much stronger already. Each week I increase my speed on the dreadmill and the weights that I work with because if I didn’t I’d just be working out in vain.

Time to get dressed…I’m running late as it is

So my ex-coworkers decide that we should meet up for one last happy hour shindig before I say goodbye. I invite another former cowoker who quit back in December because she’s so…fun. So, after I get tired of kickin’ it with the white people, the former coworker and I decide to head to a party that her friend Reg was having at his newly purchased home. We get to Reg’s house and I keep thinking how familiar his ass looks. I KNOW him from somewhere but can’t figure it out. Well, after the 3rd round of getting my ass kicked in Spades it dawns on me…this Reg is the same Reg that an old college friend used to date. Now he’s pursing my former coworker!

So once I make the connection I bring it to his attention and he tells me that he remembers me, and that he still talks to the old college friend, but that she stayed in Pittsburgh and is involved with some (loser) guy, and decided to buy a house there. Ew, Pittsburgh is the wackness. Anyway, what I remembered most about Reg is that he used to drive 6 hours from Philly to Pittsburgh rather frequently to see the old college friend…and she was NOT having sex with him. I asked him what made such a nice guy like him go out of his way for an immature chick who wasn’t even giving him any, nor was she willing to commit to the type of relationship he was looking for. He didn’t really have an answer. I remember trying to convince that girl to seriously consider Reg as a long-term mate. She would brag about all the things he would do for her despite him not getting any cho-cha from her. But really, he always struck me as a genuinely good guy that any woman with some damn sense would want to build with. I don’t ever meet guys like that but I’ll be damned if immature "let me see what I can get this dumb nigga to do for me" type chicks don’t pull those types all the time. So Reg and I talked about that for a bit and I told my friend/ex coworker whom he’s currently interested in to forget her dumb ass, non-commital baby-daddy and grab ahold of this guy — he’s really a good one. I hope my advice is heeded this time!

The well-written ad

It’s a well-known company and the position description sounds outstanding. You apply and eventually get a call and you’re excited to go in for the first interview. You get there and find that the position description was severly embellished. The salary is extremely under market, your would-be work area is situated in the basement, and the turn-over rate is astronomical. As you’re being shown around, you’re not quite sure, but you think that you may have seen a rat in your peripheral view. Overall, your level of excitement drops from 10 to -53.

Rinse and repeat x 10

While Your Qualifications Are Certainly Impressive…

A friend refers you to a position and the qualifications seem to suit you perfectly. Finally!

After being on the market so long, and rarely finding anything that suits you, it’s refreshing and exciting to receive that call. Once you arrive for the first interview you’re even MORE impressed and want the job that much more. You mutually agree to take the job on a probationary basis so that you both may explore other options, and perhaps a more permanent fit within this company.

After some time, you’ve clearly proven that you’re more than qualified and you’re ready to explore a more permanent option with this company because the other options just don’t compare. After all, not only is this a great company but the benefits include the opportunity to become partner within a short timeframe. And the salary will actually put you in a higher tax bracket! The company is supportive of it’s employees. In turn, the turn-over rate is extremely low because employees can appreciate a good thing. And advancement opportunities are beyond anything you’d ever imagined!

Unfortunately, the employer decides not to give you a more permanent contract. They decide to go with another candidate who may or may not be more qualified than you, but whatever the case, the hiring manager feels that they are a better fit.