Don’t say ‘I love you’ first. I had a friend once who told a guy that she loved him and his response was ‘thanks.’ You don’t want to be on the receiving end of that so let the man say it first.
I started writing this entry a few months back, then abandoned it for some reason. That said, I have NO idea where the above quote came from.
Anyway, that kind of advice does nothing to help women. Hearing "thanks" in response to "I love you" is hardly the end of the world. As adults, we need to understand that sometimes we have feelings for people that aren’t mutual and vice versa (I would’ve been a bit salty though, lol). Furthermore, that kind of advice is telling women that we shouldn’t take risks and should avoid rejection at all costs. But we have common sense and we should use it. We also must trust our judgement in dating situations.
If you tell someone that you love them, it should be because you actually feel that way, not because you expect them to feel the same way or to hear it in return. You definitely shouldn’t settle for a one-sided relationship, but if it’s somewhat early into your relationship, give the person time to reach your emotional level. That’s where common sense comes in. Love is an action word so you will know if the man is falling for you (or if he isn’t interested) based on how he treats you.
I wouldn’t suggest being an aggressive woman but a friend told me he digs that so to each his own. Holding back for fear of rejection isn’t helpful either.
Myth 1: Men don’t know how to behave in a relationship. It is up to a woman to be patient and "teach" him how to treat her.
On an episode of "Roseanne," Roseanne tries to convince Jackie to marry a man who demands that she quit her job as a cop as a condition of marriage. But Jackie wants a husband like Dan, who is considerate and understanding. Roseanne tells Jackie that it took years of hard work…Dan didn’t come out of the package pre-assembled.
It only works that way in TV Land folks. I know that we’ve all heard that you subconsciously teach someone how to treat you by what you accept (and don’t) from your mate. And I agree %150. However, there isn’t a man walking this earth who doesn’t know that if he’s in a committed relationship,
- He should stop ‘messing around’ with his ex
- He should call if he’s going to cancel a date
- Spending time with him and his friends does not = quality time for the two of you
- Collecting phone numbers & going on dates with other women is off-limits
Some women might say, "but this is his first serious relationship and he’s learning." If that’s true then OJ didn’t do it and his new book truly is ‘fiction.’ [end sarcasm]
He may try to play dumb, but trust and believe, he’s just trying to see what you’ll allow him to get away with.
Myth 2: Things may be a little rocky in the beginning, but things will change.
Not gonna happen. If you’re in the early stages of dating and he’s always "busy," gives you excuses as to why he can’t return your calls, two years from now things will be the same. If you’re unfortunate enough to make it past dating, and into relationship territory, you will always feel like an afterthought with him. At that point do not complain or try to change him. Either accept it or find someone else who’s less "busy."
Myth 3: A man can completely fool you/you’re a victim.
How often are women completely blindsided by men? In the times that things didn’t work out due to some shadiness on his part, can we honestly say that we didn’t see the signs but chose to ignore them? Or that we gave the benefit of doubt?
That doesn’t mean that a man is excused for being an asshole, nor should we stop giving the benefit of doubt. However, common sense and discretion should be our guide.
Myth 4: A man should accept you for who you are.
Not necessarily. Are you the best you that you can be? Are you difficult? How are your character, mind, appearance, and treatment of people in your life? You should be accepted for who you are, but not if you’re crazy…unless you’re Jackie Christie — crazy seems to work for her.
My thoughts- Myth 1. I refer to Corinthians description of love. Love isn’t proud and it rejoices in truth. If you can’t tell a person that you love them before they tell you, then love might not exist.
I’ve had friends who have dated their guy a year or more tell me their guy loves them, although he has never said it. I think that is wishful thinking. If people are happy to be with a mate that doens’t love them that is fine, the delusion is the problem.
Myth 2- Rocky beginnings lead to rocky middles and rocky ends. Delusion yet again.
Myth 3- I think we ignore stuff and let stuff slide. Dating as we do today is set up that way. Then there is also the pressure on women to maintain relationships, so once she finds out he isn’t worth keeping, some women will keep him to avoid the stigma of not “having a man” and not being able to keep a man.
Myth 4- I think there is someone for everyone. I know lots of men who love crazy, they like a woman who throws stuff and talks to them crazy, and keeps an attitude. I seriously know men who just lick the boots of these women.
LOL @ your myth 4. That’s true. When I wrote that I had a friend in mind who had been with her bf on and off for over 5 years. She wanted to move toward marriage but he was hesitant to move forward and his boundaries were very clear. I felt bad for her and told her she was wasting her life away with him. Then one day I witnessed them get into an argument over something very petty and when all was said and done, he was all bloody and his car was jacked up. At that point I TOTALLY understood why he didn’t want to move forward and wondered why HE hadn’t left HER yet. I blogged about it before I moved to Blogsome, I think I’ll repost that entry this week.
Comment by c2a — June 16, 2007 @ 6:24 pm
We’re watching Hitched. My FIL just said a man isnt’ supposed to be the first to say “I love you.” I immediately thought of this post. If both men and women get these rules, its a wonder we ever progress in relationships.
I find myself wondering the same thing often, LOL
Comment by c2a — June 16, 2007 @ 11:42 pm
ohhh dayum this needs to be sung from rooftops cuz I believe it’s soo true, even that myths that the first commentor added in. Okay when you gonna publish your version of “He’s not that into you” for EVERYBODY? LOL
LOL
Comment by aly cat — June 18, 2007 @ 7:49 pm
Great post! To this though: “But we have common sense and we should use it,” I would just like to repeat what one
passerby to my own blog had to say when I uttered the same thing…”Good common sense isn’t really all that common.”
I believe that now. How many women do we probably all know who are smart as hell, but dumb as a bag of hammers when it
comes to using good common sense? I know lots, and we all get kicked in the pants from time to time and common sense
goes completely out the window. “Dick’ll make you shoot somebody in the face.” Alexyss K. Tylor lol
LOL @ your Alexyss quote. If people can look past the fact that she’s obviously coo coo for Cocopuffs, they’d find that some of the shyt she says makes sense…LOL
Comment by Sugar — June 19, 2007 @ 1:32 pm
i think that if there’s any teaching going on, it goes both ways. i have learned how to treat a man better and how to help a man understand (and therefore treat) me better - i learned this stuff through experience with men, not by happenstance. i certainly haven’t attempted to “train” anybody, and i don’t want to HAVE to.
things do change, but rockiness gets worse, not better. i wouldn’t buy a house with cracks in the foundation.
um actually, sometimes, when you’re inexperienced and idealistic and HONGRY, you really don’t see stuff you ought to see, and then you are blindsided. but i think most people can see stuff coming if they’d just acknowledge it for what it really is. one exception –> LIES. some lies are opaque.
and instead of saying a man should accept you for who you are, i think it’s better to think that if you and he aren’t compatible, you’re just not and you need to be out, but that’s no reason to blame him for seeing things from his point of view. if you’re bent on being in a relationship, then you just need a different man.
I love these comments!
Comment by glory — June 20, 2007 @ 11:16 am