k.unwrapped

I was reading C2A’s blog the last week, as she had been posting about marriage and budgeting. It got me to thinking about the marriages I’ve witnessed b/t my mom and her ex-husband (my siblings’ father, Carl) and current husband (soon to be ex – Mr. Dad – for my one or two old readers lol).

I can vaguely remember when my mom met Carl. I was going on four years old and my mother and I were living in the projects with my uncle, his wife, and their four kids. He had his own apartment and let my mom and I move in with him to get us out of that overcrowded, roach infested, 3 bedroom project apartment we were living in. He had a daughter who was around 12 or so. He was a drug dealer; they don’t keep regular hours so my mom could leave me with him while she went to work. As I remember it, he took his daughter and I to the Gallery every day to go shopping. It was probably more like 2-3x a week but I was four at the time so bear with me. We walked all up and through that mall (he was a bargain shopper — go figure) and that’s torture for a child. It wouldn’t have been so bad if he’d bought me so much as a Happy Meal, but the majority of the time, we were shopping for leather jackets, and Run DMC style gold chains for him and his daughter. I remember telling him: "Mister Carl, I don’t like you because you never buy me anything" and he and my mom laughed it off during a romantic evening of chopping and bagging up cocaine, because, well I was four.

They eventually gave up "the life," we began attending church every Sunday, and he and mom got married by the time I was seven. All that shopping for crap ceased, and the line was clearly drawn: I was my mother’s child. He had no obligation to me, and whatever my mother couldn’t do for me just didn’t get done. I saw my biological father occassionally until I was about 8 but haven’t seen him since although we live in the same city. Anyway, by the time I was 10 my sister was born and I started to notice things. Carl had a rule that if he’d given my mother (or me) any amount of money greater than $2, she had to pay it back. They’d bought a house and argued over the mortgage because her name wasn’t on it (he told her that he couldn’t get her name on the deed due to her poor credit; her ignorance allowed her to believe that), yet he fully expected her to pay half, as well as half of any other household bills. There were times when I needed things and although it was known that he was a saver and always had a plentiful account, he’d let me do without because I wasn’t his kid. He’d let my mother do without as well…he only GAVE us stuff on holidays & during income tax time. They kept completely separate accounts and nobody ever knew how much the other really had.

They separated several times throughout the years. Each time that happened, it was me and my mom, (and my siblings when they came along) who had to move out of the house. It was HIS house after all. So, when they ineviteably reconciled, my mom stopped contributing to the mortgage…why pay when your landlord husband can kick you out whenever he feels like it? By the time I was 13, my brother came along and I REALLY started to notice things. I began to feel like THEY were a family, and I was just a girl who lived there. His kids never went without a damned thing. I never had a bond with Carl and to this very day, my mom says I was on to something when I told him I didn’t like him at age four.

By the time I was 16 they were headed for divorce, as they’d both started new relationships during the marriage and were ready to move on. When they separated the last time, he only kicked my mother out and let me and his kids stay. Such kindness. My mom and her new man, Mr. Dad, had found a new home within 6 months, so the kids and I moved out of Carl’s. My mom asked me how I felt about Mr. Dad moving in with us LESS THAN A YEAR AFTER HER DIVORCE and I told her that I was totally against it. I didn’t know this man from a can of paint, why should I trust him, and why should I have to deal with ANOTHER man of hers so soon after getting rid of the last one? For a while she let me have my way and Mr. Dad stayed with his WIFE. She said she would respect my wishes but Mr. Dad had moved in within 6 months of that conversation regardless. He said that he and his wife had been separated for years, and that he lived in the basement all that time, and he was ready to move forward with my mom.

Immediately after he came on the scene, he seemed to take an interest in my life, school, and my future. That threw me off a bit because I wasn’t used to that kind of attention, not even from my mother. I was fully expecting him to be a jerk, really. Well it turned out that he was the total opposite of Carl, he was selfless, a very southern (Mississippi), old school (several years older than my mom) provider-type. He automatically took on a father role with me because my siblings had a relationship with their dady and I had none; we became very close. They got their respective divorces then got married when I was round 20. Marriage #3 for the both of them.

Money, money, money. My mom’s marriage to Carl taught her that she had to be self-sufficient, and the sharing of money was not something she’d ever even considered. Mr. Dad made 2, maybe even 3x what she made, and they certainly had the means to live comfortably if they’d cooperated more, and she’d spent less time with the "mine" attitude that was ingrained in her. She’d always had ‘just in case’ in the back of her mind because of all the times that Carl kicked us out and we had to find a place to live immediately. Mr. Dad found out about secret accounts that she’d had and that caused strife. I’d say that the majority of their arguments stemmed from money issues, particularly the lack of full disclosure and cooperation. Not to mention the way that they’d gotten together and the trust issues on BOTH ends, but that’s another post.

Although they’re currently going through the divorce process, they get along well. He says he "gets" my mom, and understands how her upbringing has shaped her. He also "gets" that he just can’t be married to her and vice versa lol. But it has me wondering how my upbringing has shaped me. I know which things I don’t want, and what I’d like to do differently, especially when it comes to money. I don’t even have to talk about fidelity b/c that’s a given. The slightest hint of selfishness in a man (i.e. not wanting to pick me up for and/or take me on a date) and lack of dependability turns me all the way off. I do realize that I have to be discerning of a man’s character and true intentions before I allow myself to get wrapped up in him in any way. The goal is to find someone trustworthy and then…trust him. However, it’s difficult because I tend to not put ANYTHING past people. I’ve witnessed firsthand how folks just do whatever they feel like doing, family, marriage, God, be damned. Despite it all, things that seemed to be the norm when I was coming up are flat out unacceptable to me as an adult.

When I meet a guy, one of the first things I want to know is what his upbringing was like. I’ve found that I have a set of assumptions from jump: a lot of guys who grew up without a father figure, even if non-biological, don’t respect women, and don’t know how to be men. They subconsciously blame their mother for a) not choosing a good mate to begin with — one who’d stick around and be there for his kid(s), and b) not doing enough to "keep" his father so that he would have never left, and they end up treating women just as badly as their father does/did. Maybe a lot of women subconsciously blame mom too.

I’d like to think that I turned out pretty normal, whatever that is. But I can’t help but wonder that when I meet a guy, things start to get serious, and he finds out about my background, what would his assumptions be of me, and how would that impact our interactions?