k.unwrapped

"I don’t know what he sees in HER. She’s fat, she can’t dress, yet and still, he seems to be in love with her."

"She could do SO MUCH better than him…he ain’t all THAT."

Do you have to look/act/be a certain way in order to deserve unconditional love from a partner who treats you well?

On my birthday I went to a club with two of my good friends. It was wack as hell but I still had fun despite having to leave a little early to get SOME type of rest before going to work in the morning. I got home around 1am and had to drive around the block 3 times to find a parking spot…AS USUAL. I couldn’t find anything (even all the illegal ‘fire zone’ spots were taken) so I parked in this empty lot right beside my building. I’ve seen other residents of my building park there every night and this night was no different. I knew I wasn’t supposed to park there but I was not willing to park 3 blocks from my apartment at 1am. I got up at 7am to move my car and that mofo was GONE and so were the other cars. I already knew the deal so I called the tow number and they told me it would be $240 CASH if I picked up my car that day, plus an extra $40 for each day that I didn’t pick it up. I wanted to get mad but the sign clearly stated all of the above but I parked there anyway. Guess I was a little too confident that I wouldn’t get towed.

It was the middle of the month and my employer only pays once a month. So it’s not like I could put up the money and be like "oh well I get paid next week." There were still 2.5 weeks left before my next payday and I was really just getting used to budgeting my money for the whole month. I REALLY didn’t want to dig into my emergency fund because it was JUST starting to get some weight on it but I had to do what I had to do. I just thank God that I was of the mind to start putting money aside in the first place. But honestly, I was getting to the point where I was kind of ’blah’ about it. I started relaxing on those deposits and spending more money on dumb stuff. Lesson learned!

I was talking to a friend a couple of months ago about debt vs. saving. His stance was that if he had $1000 in savings while carrying a $1000 credit card debt, he’d just clean out his savings and pay off the debt. No-brainer. I asked what he would do if an emergency popped up and he had no funds? His response was that he’d just use credit cards. My thought was that he’d then be out of his emergency fund AND have newly accumulated debt (w/ interest) that he’d just paid off. Not only that but sometimes you just need cold, hard cash. I wouldn’t be caught dead taking out a cash advance on a credit card…they start charging interest THE MINUTE you make a withdrawal…fugg a grace period. So yeah, save your money people!

Your date of conception was on or about 20 August 1981 which was a Thursday.

You were born on a Thursday
under the astrological sign Taurus.
Your Life path number is 11.

Life Path Compatibility:
You are most compatible with those with the Life Path numbers 2, 4, 8, 11 & 22.
You should get along well with those with the Life Path numbers 3 & 6.
You may or may not get along well with those with the Life Path number 9.
You are least compatible with those with the Life Path numbers 1, 5 & 7.

As of 5/13/2007 2:32:40 PM EDT
You are 25 years old.
You are 300 months old.
You are 1,305 weeks old.
You are 9,131 days old.
You are 219,158 hours old.
You are 13,149,512 minutes old.
You are 788,970,760 seconds old.

Celebrities who share your birthday:

There are 366 days till your next birthday
on which your cake will have 26 candles.

I was reading C2A’s blog the last week, as she had been posting about marriage and budgeting. It got me to thinking about the marriages I’ve witnessed b/t my mom and her ex-husband (my siblings’ father, Carl) and current husband (soon to be ex – Mr. Dad – for my one or two old readers lol).

I can vaguely remember when my mom met Carl. I was going on four years old and my mother and I were living in the projects with my uncle, his wife, and their four kids. He had his own apartment and let my mom and I move in with him to get us out of that overcrowded, roach infested, 3 bedroom project apartment we were living in. He had a daughter who was around 12 or so. He was a drug dealer; they don’t keep regular hours so my mom could leave me with him while she went to work. As I remember it, he took his daughter and I to the Gallery every day to go shopping. It was probably more like 2-3x a week but I was four at the time so bear with me. We walked all up and through that mall (he was a bargain shopper — go figure) and that’s torture for a child. It wouldn’t have been so bad if he’d bought me so much as a Happy Meal, but the majority of the time, we were shopping for leather jackets, and Run DMC style gold chains for him and his daughter. I remember telling him: "Mister Carl, I don’t like you because you never buy me anything" and he and my mom laughed it off during a romantic evening of chopping and bagging up cocaine, because, well I was four.

They eventually gave up "the life," we began attending church every Sunday, and he and mom got married by the time I was seven. All that shopping for crap ceased, and the line was clearly drawn: I was my mother’s child. He had no obligation to me, and whatever my mother couldn’t do for me just didn’t get done. I saw my biological father occassionally until I was about 8 but haven’t seen him since although we live in the same city. Anyway, by the time I was 10 my sister was born and I started to notice things. Carl had a rule that if he’d given my mother (or me) any amount of money greater than $2, she had to pay it back. They’d bought a house and argued over the mortgage because her name wasn’t on it (he told her that he couldn’t get her name on the deed due to her poor credit; her ignorance allowed her to believe that), yet he fully expected her to pay half, as well as half of any other household bills. There were times when I needed things and although it was known that he was a saver and always had a plentiful account, he’d let me do without because I wasn’t his kid. He’d let my mother do without as well…he only GAVE us stuff on holidays & during income tax time. They kept completely separate accounts and nobody ever knew how much the other really had.

They separated several times throughout the years. Each time that happened, it was me and my mom, (and my siblings when they came along) who had to move out of the house. It was HIS house after all. So, when they ineviteably reconciled, my mom stopped contributing to the mortgage…why pay when your landlord husband can kick you out whenever he feels like it? By the time I was 13, my brother came along and I REALLY started to notice things. I began to feel like THEY were a family, and I was just a girl who lived there. His kids never went without a damned thing. I never had a bond with Carl and to this very day, my mom says I was on to something when I told him I didn’t like him at age four.

By the time I was 16 they were headed for divorce, as they’d both started new relationships during the marriage and were ready to move on. When they separated the last time, he only kicked my mother out and let me and his kids stay. Such kindness. My mom and her new man, Mr. Dad, had found a new home within 6 months, so the kids and I moved out of Carl’s. My mom asked me how I felt about Mr. Dad moving in with us LESS THAN A YEAR AFTER HER DIVORCE and I told her that I was totally against it. I didn’t know this man from a can of paint, why should I trust him, and why should I have to deal with ANOTHER man of hers so soon after getting rid of the last one? For a while she let me have my way and Mr. Dad stayed with his WIFE. She said she would respect my wishes but Mr. Dad had moved in within 6 months of that conversation regardless. He said that he and his wife had been separated for years, and that he lived in the basement all that time, and he was ready to move forward with my mom.

Immediately after he came on the scene, he seemed to take an interest in my life, school, and my future. That threw me off a bit because I wasn’t used to that kind of attention, not even from my mother. I was fully expecting him to be a jerk, really. Well it turned out that he was the total opposite of Carl, he was selfless, a very southern (Mississippi), old school (several years older than my mom) provider-type. He automatically took on a father role with me because my siblings had a relationship with their dady and I had none; we became very close. They got their respective divorces then got married when I was round 20. Marriage #3 for the both of them.

Money, money, money. My mom’s marriage to Carl taught her that she had to be self-sufficient, and the sharing of money was not something she’d ever even considered. Mr. Dad made 2, maybe even 3x what she made, and they certainly had the means to live comfortably if they’d cooperated more, and she’d spent less time with the "mine" attitude that was ingrained in her. She’d always had ‘just in case’ in the back of her mind because of all the times that Carl kicked us out and we had to find a place to live immediately. Mr. Dad found out about secret accounts that she’d had and that caused strife. I’d say that the majority of their arguments stemmed from money issues, particularly the lack of full disclosure and cooperation. Not to mention the way that they’d gotten together and the trust issues on BOTH ends, but that’s another post.

Although they’re currently going through the divorce process, they get along well. He says he "gets" my mom, and understands how her upbringing has shaped her. He also "gets" that he just can’t be married to her and vice versa lol. But it has me wondering how my upbringing has shaped me. I know which things I don’t want, and what I’d like to do differently, especially when it comes to money. I don’t even have to talk about fidelity b/c that’s a given. The slightest hint of selfishness in a man (i.e. not wanting to pick me up for and/or take me on a date) and lack of dependability turns me all the way off. I do realize that I have to be discerning of a man’s character and true intentions before I allow myself to get wrapped up in him in any way. The goal is to find someone trustworthy and then…trust him. However, it’s difficult because I tend to not put ANYTHING past people. I’ve witnessed firsthand how folks just do whatever they feel like doing, family, marriage, God, be damned. Despite it all, things that seemed to be the norm when I was coming up are flat out unacceptable to me as an adult.

When I meet a guy, one of the first things I want to know is what his upbringing was like. I’ve found that I have a set of assumptions from jump: a lot of guys who grew up without a father figure, even if non-biological, don’t respect women, and don’t know how to be men. They subconsciously blame their mother for a) not choosing a good mate to begin with — one who’d stick around and be there for his kid(s), and b) not doing enough to "keep" his father so that he would have never left, and they end up treating women just as badly as their father does/did. Maybe a lot of women subconsciously blame mom too.

I’d like to think that I turned out pretty normal, whatever that is. But I can’t help but wonder that when I meet a guy, things start to get serious, and he finds out about my background, what would his assumptions be of me, and how would that impact our interactions?

She’s kind of lonely for some male attention. So, despite the fact that she knows there’s absolutely NO potential with the guy she’s seeing, she keeps him around simply to hear a male voice on the other end of the phone at night, to have masculine energy in her presence, to be able to say she has a ‘date.’ She knows he’s looking for more than she’s willing to give HIM so she strings him along a bit. Not being too available, but giving him just enough to keep him hanging on. She’s pitiful…she doesn’t understand that it’s perfectly okay to be TOTALLY alone…as in not dating ANYONE at ALL unless and until she knows there is potential with a particular guy.

I don’t want to be THAT girl. I was THIS close to being that girl…well I’ve been that girl before but for the most part I can honestly say it wasn’t a prolonged thing. I was gonna try and be "friends" with Don* after I’d made up my mind that I wasn’t going to settle for what he was offering when it came to dating. We’d never had sex so that meant we could be friends right?

Apparently he thought I wasn’t serious when I first told him that. When he realized I was serious he made a weak attempt to step his game up but by then it was too late. I don’t want anybody treat me in a way that doesn’t come natural to them. Don’t adjust your behavior for the sake of trying to appease me…you’ll just show your ass later so why bother? So Don* realized I was serious about the friends thing (I think) but he asked me to "at least hang out with me for my birthday after I have dinner w/ my family." I agreed and when his b-day came I called to wish him a happy b-day and to solidify where we’d go. He said he’d call me after dinner and never did. I called him around 9ish to see what’s up and he sent me to voicemail. Ok cool. Then he texts me the next day asking if I wanted to go to dinner…he made no mention of the previous night. I simply wrote "no" in response…I hate when people try to have convos via text message. And if you stand me up don’t act like nothing happened…I don’t care if you’re my mama that shit ain’t gonna fly. He keeps texting me like everything is cool and I ask if he’s gonna continue to pretend that he didn’t stand me up the day before. He writes, "dinner ran over and I got home late, I’m sorry." I replied, "that excuse ain’t gonna fly, it takes 5 minutes to call or text ‘I’m not gonna hang out with you tonite,’ a person has one time to pull that without a valid excuse and they can rest assured that I’ll NEVER make plans with them again." He writes back that it isn’t an ‘excuse’ but whatever. I replied, "there’s no point in wasting each other’s time. you go your way and I’ll go mine. Peace." And that was the end of Don.*

On Saturday as I prepared to run my typical errands, as I was getting dressed I noticed that this particular pair of jeans were more roomy than before. Damn this working out consistently is paying off, forreal. I always work out at least once or twice a week. Mostly jogging. But when I hit the 3-4x a week mark my body rewards me and does it well. Not that I didn’t have a nice body before hehe. I also have my forced diet a.k.a. braces to thank for that. I’ve had them for two weeks and still can’t bite into a sandwich or slice of pizza without wincing. Anyway, on Saturdays I usually throw on my workout clothes, run my errands, then hit the gym or vice versa. But since I’d worked out on Friday I decided to take a break and felt the urge to throw on some pumps and a cute outfit. I NEVER get jazzy to run errands but I felt pretty damn good on a 75 degree day. I hit NY & Co to buy my friend a gift card for her birthday. That’s her favorite store…and she’s in the process of losing weight so I didn’t dare try to pick anything out for her. Next I hit the car wash…one of the ones that you have to get out of the car while the attendants run your car through for you. So I get out of the car and walk around the building and see this guy.

Me: He sure looks like Idris Elba…seriously…DAMN.
Him: *Smile*
Me: *cheesy grin* (Sits down and waits for my car)
Him: "Can I dry your car for you?"
Me: "Sure…uh, you’re a little overdressed aren’t you?"
Him: "I’m just kidding, I don’t work here. So…what’s your name?"
Me: That was so corny. "K, and you?"
Him: "Mark. Are you married, engaged, have a boyfriend, or any kids???"

LMAO. So we exchange numbers and all that jazz…we talk and go shoot pool a couple days later (the night that Don* stood me up lol) which was fun dispite my shaky (read: shitty) skills. At 27, he’s not stable which is a MAJOR turn off for me. By stable I mean able to support himself. I immediately know that there’s no potential there. The only thing I like about him is how he looks. But I tell myself that I can just keep him around for some company…just to have a man around in some form or fashion. SMH @ my damned self for that one. Not gonna be THAT girl.

Once you get over bitterness you’ll never be bitter again. Once you gain control of that weight/insecurity/money/relationship/family/whatever issue, it is forever behind you and you’re ‘cured.’ You’ve worked through that mess and now there’s nowhere to go but forward.

It has taken me 24.98 years to fully realize that I think this way, and how faulty that line of reasoning can be. 

Sometimes there is somewhere to go other than forward. Sometimes you make a pit stop, a U-turn, or end up in one of those annoying circles that seem to only exist in New Jersey…